Posted By: gymcandy1
Hump Day - 02/11/15 12:53 AM
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. It is delay, not defeat. “It is a temporary detour, not a dead-end street”. ~ Denis Waitley
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip to recognize where a driver comes from
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Has to be from Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Has to be from New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Has to be from New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Has to be from Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Has to be from Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Has to be from Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Has to be from Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Has to be from Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Has to be from Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: Has to be from West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Has to be from Florida.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of biologists are traveling in a truck to conduct some research in a hilly region, when the driver loses control of the vehicle. The truck overturns and runs down the hills, crashing at the bottom & killing all the biologists.
All of them arrive in Heaven. They are all asked a question, "If you are in your casket and you could hear your friends and family mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy who is a good botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the best botanists of all time, and left an eternal contribution to the world of botany."
The second guy who is an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."
The third guy, who is a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: “Jasper, what is this thing they call Twitter?”
Jasper: “What do you think it is, Mam?”
Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”
Jasper: “I don’t think I know either, Mam!”
~~~~~~~~~
Peter had planned on watching the football game with his friend Harry.
Peter arrived late and the game had already started. Harry asked him, "What kept you?"
Peter replied, "I could not make up my mind between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin."
"So what took you so long?" asked Harry.
Peter answered,"I had to toss it 40 times."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher was discussing natural history with her class of eight-year old kids.
She began by saying, "Do you know Worker ants can carry food particles that are five times their own weight. What is to be learnt from this?"
A kid raised his hand and replied: "They don't have a union."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill: What is a crate of ducks known as?
Jill : It would be a box of quackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam : You know what, it's really easy to get a divorce in the Middle East. A man is just required to say "I divorce you" to his wife 3 times and it's done!
Jack : It's even easier in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.
~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a bank robbery and the Chief of Police ordered the sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.
When the Sergent reported to the Chief that all the robbers had escaped, the Chief went mad with anger & shouted, "Didn't I tell you to cover all the exit points??"
"I did," defended the sergeant, "but they managed to escape through the entrance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smartness is like your knickers. It is important to have it, but not essential to show it off!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Are things that do not concern an elephant irrelephant?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob and Robbie were riding their snow bikes across the lake. All of a sudden Bob broke through the ice and sank with his bike.
Robbie went to the edge of the ice hole and saw Bob desperately pulling the starting rope.
Robbie shouted: “Hey Bob, open the choke and then pull.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The shy, young man is thinking about asking his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did you say to mum so she married you?"
"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married the next day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rob and Bill both went to work for a lumber mill. They both worked on the band saw. One day while working and talking to Bill, Rob bent too close to saw and the blade sliced one of his ears off. Bill immediately picked up the sliced ear with intention of being helpful to Rob.
He said: “Rob, don’t panic. See I have your ear here. It may be possible for the doctor to sew it back.”
Rob: “No man, that can't be my ear. My ear had a pencil behind it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Hop on down to the hump day diner, and we'll all have a happy hump day.
Hmmm, that sounds like a line in a song to me.
Speaking of songs, I've been listening to the 60s on 6 all afternoon, and watching some Beatles vids on Youtube. Wow! Great memories.
Baby wasn't too sure there wasn't something wrong with me though when I was singing and spastically dancing around.
Pepper just sang along.
I had a very productive day. When I was taking my shower, I thought of a new invention to keep seniors from falling in the shower.
I call it the Slip Not. You attach it to the ceiling over your shower, and when you get in the shower, you put it on your neck, and if you lose your footing, you will not fall and break a hip.
Ok I was expecting a bigger laugh there.
Let me draw you a picture (mentally).
They say what goes around, comes around. In Western days they called it a slip knot or.........hangman's noose.
So the little old man gets in the shower and puts his Slip Not around his neck, and when he slips he just hangs there......limp.
Ok now imagine a commercial advertising it on Saturday Night Live.
Yeah, illustrations help a lot.
or knot
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip to recognize where a driver comes from
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Has to be from Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Has to be from New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: Has to be from New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Has to be from Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Has to be from Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Has to be from Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Has to be from Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Has to be from Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Has to be from Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: Has to be from West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Has to be from Florida.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of biologists are traveling in a truck to conduct some research in a hilly region, when the driver loses control of the vehicle. The truck overturns and runs down the hills, crashing at the bottom & killing all the biologists.
All of them arrive in Heaven. They are all asked a question, "If you are in your casket and you could hear your friends and family mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy who is a good botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the best botanists of all time, and left an eternal contribution to the world of botany."
The second guy who is an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."
The third guy, who is a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher: “Jasper, what is this thing they call Twitter?”
Jasper: “What do you think it is, Mam?”
Teacher: “I don’t think, I KNOW!”
Jasper: “I don’t think I know either, Mam!”
~~~~~~~~~
Peter had planned on watching the football game with his friend Harry.
Peter arrived late and the game had already started. Harry asked him, "What kept you?"
Peter replied, "I could not make up my mind between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin."
"So what took you so long?" asked Harry.
Peter answered,"I had to toss it 40 times."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher was discussing natural history with her class of eight-year old kids.
She began by saying, "Do you know Worker ants can carry food particles that are five times their own weight. What is to be learnt from this?"
A kid raised his hand and replied: "They don't have a union."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill: What is a crate of ducks known as?
Jill : It would be a box of quackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam : You know what, it's really easy to get a divorce in the Middle East. A man is just required to say "I divorce you" to his wife 3 times and it's done!
Jack : It's even easier in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.
~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a bank robbery and the Chief of Police ordered the sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.
When the Sergent reported to the Chief that all the robbers had escaped, the Chief went mad with anger & shouted, "Didn't I tell you to cover all the exit points??"
"I did," defended the sergeant, "but they managed to escape through the entrance."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smartness is like your knickers. It is important to have it, but not essential to show it off!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Are things that do not concern an elephant irrelephant?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob and Robbie were riding their snow bikes across the lake. All of a sudden Bob broke through the ice and sank with his bike.
Robbie went to the edge of the ice hole and saw Bob desperately pulling the starting rope.
Robbie shouted: “Hey Bob, open the choke and then pull.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The shy, young man is thinking about asking his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did you say to mum so she married you?"
"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married the next day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rob and Bill both went to work for a lumber mill. They both worked on the band saw. One day while working and talking to Bill, Rob bent too close to saw and the blade sliced one of his ears off. Bill immediately picked up the sliced ear with intention of being helpful to Rob.
He said: “Rob, don’t panic. See I have your ear here. It may be possible for the doctor to sew it back.”
Rob: “No man, that can't be my ear. My ear had a pencil behind it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Hop on down to the hump day diner, and we'll all have a happy hump day.
Hmmm, that sounds like a line in a song to me.
Speaking of songs, I've been listening to the 60s on 6 all afternoon, and watching some Beatles vids on Youtube. Wow! Great memories.
Baby wasn't too sure there wasn't something wrong with me though when I was singing and spastically dancing around.
Pepper just sang along.
I had a very productive day. When I was taking my shower, I thought of a new invention to keep seniors from falling in the shower.
I call it the Slip Not. You attach it to the ceiling over your shower, and when you get in the shower, you put it on your neck, and if you lose your footing, you will not fall and break a hip.
Ok I was expecting a bigger laugh there.
Let me draw you a picture (mentally).
They say what goes around, comes around. In Western days they called it a slip knot or.........hangman's noose.
So the little old man gets in the shower and puts his Slip Not around his neck, and when he slips he just hangs there......limp.
Ok now imagine a commercial advertising it on Saturday Night Live.
Yeah, illustrations help a lot.
or knot
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
oh , joe - love that shower safety invention 
