Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Mourning - 03/23/15 12:18 AM
Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
~George Carlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he yelled at his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating the grass?" "Well, we don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "So we have to eat grass." "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the Scotsman said. "But sir, I also have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Ok, bring them along too" the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SEVEN children with me!" "Very well then, bring them all" the Scotsman answered. They all piled into the limousine, which was no easy task. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are truly too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you. The Scotsman replied, "No problem, glad to do it. "You'll really love my place "The grass is almost a foot high"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A gentleman has 50 yard line Super Bowl tickets. When he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No, it is empty. " "That is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat for the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, the seat belongs to me actually. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. " "Oh, I am sorry, that is terrible. But could you not find someone else. A friend, relative, or a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, They are all at the funeral."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Yorker was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place any where. Desperate, Looks up to the heavens he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. New Yorker looked up again and said, "Never mind Lord. I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Revenue agent was checking the books, he turned to the Director of the hospital and said "You buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there is too little left to be of any use?" "Good question" noted the director, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every so often, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. He continued on, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases?" What do you do with the left overs after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes" replied the Director, realising that the inspector was trying to trip him up with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster." "I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all director. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too, we do not waste," answered the director. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the revenue tax office and about once a year they send us an auditor who is a complete prick."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jerry has been seeing a psychoanalyst for 4 years for the fear that he had green monsters under his bed. Been years since he had a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was not very good, and he knew it. So, he stopped seeing the Psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Jerry's former Psychoanalyst runs into Jerry, his old client in the Supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. Jerry says, "It's amazing! I'm t cured!" "That's great news!" the Psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "Went and saw another doctor," Jerry says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredible. "Yeah,' continues Jerry, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the Psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He had me cut the legs off of my bed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Wilson, was a very successful lawyer at getting charges dropped, but in this particular case he decided to bribe a man on his client's jury to hold out for a reduced charge of manslaughter, as opposed to The States charge of first degree murder. The jury was out for five days before they finally returned with a manslaughter verdict. When Mr. Wilson paid the corrupt juror, he questioned if he had a very difficult time to convince the other jurors to see the evidence his way. Sure did, the juror replies, "The other eleven jurors wanted to acquit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A well respected local surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was watching the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor answered it and heard a fellow doctor colleague on the other end. "We need a fourth for our poker game tonight" said the friend. "Very well. I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three other doctors are there already, but the still need me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While on a road trip, an elderly couple , stopped at a roadside restaurant for quick lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman set her eye glasses down and left them on the table. She didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. Elderly Lady screams out "We got to go back, I left my glasses at the restaurant!" By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a turn around spot, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became more the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey which would improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for a follow up visit, the doctor asked "How are we doing with the pills and the whiskey?" Well Mrs. Stone answered "He's a little behind with the pills, but he is about SIX months ahead with the whiskey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Ruling Party" government ... had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert. "The Ruling Party" was concerned that "Thieves may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How does the watchman do his job properly without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do the time studies. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" Well, they created and hired two people for the Quality Control Department. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How are these people going to get paid?" So the next step was to create the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then "The Ruling Party" said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" Obviously, they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then "The Ruling Party" was concerned that "Although we have had this operation only for one year, we are $24,000 over budget already, so we must cut back overall costs fast." So they laid off the night watchman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Wasn't it New Year's Day just last week??
Now it's Spring Break 2015.
That means Christmas is only three weeks away.
I'm excited. This year I want a new cap gun, a GI Joe, a Hoola Hoop, and a puppy.
OH, and a Erector Set.
Right now I want a bite to eat before I turn off, and turn in.
Have a happy day y'all.
joe
Edit: Oh yeah, I want a Barbie Doll too.
~George Carlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he yelled at his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating the grass?" "Well, we don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "So we have to eat grass." "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the Scotsman said. "But sir, I also have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Ok, bring them along too" the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SEVEN children with me!" "Very well then, bring them all" the Scotsman answered. They all piled into the limousine, which was no easy task. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are truly too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you. The Scotsman replied, "No problem, glad to do it. "You'll really love my place "The grass is almost a foot high"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A gentleman has 50 yard line Super Bowl tickets. When he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No, it is empty. " "That is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat for the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" The second man replied, "Well, the seat belongs to me actually. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. " "Oh, I am sorry, that is terrible. But could you not find someone else. A friend, relative, or a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, They are all at the funeral."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Yorker was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place any where. Desperate, Looks up to the heavens he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. New Yorker looked up again and said, "Never mind Lord. I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Revenue agent was checking the books, he turned to the Director of the hospital and said "You buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there is too little left to be of any use?" "Good question" noted the director, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every so often, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. He continued on, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases?" What do you do with the left overs after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes" replied the Director, realising that the inspector was trying to trip him up with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster." "I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all director. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too, we do not waste," answered the director. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the revenue tax office and about once a year they send us an auditor who is a complete prick."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jerry has been seeing a psychoanalyst for 4 years for the fear that he had green monsters under his bed. Been years since he had a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was not very good, and he knew it. So, he stopped seeing the Psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Jerry's former Psychoanalyst runs into Jerry, his old client in the Supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. Jerry says, "It's amazing! I'm t cured!" "That's great news!" the Psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "Went and saw another doctor," Jerry says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredible. "Yeah,' continues Jerry, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the Psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He had me cut the legs off of my bed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Wilson, was a very successful lawyer at getting charges dropped, but in this particular case he decided to bribe a man on his client's jury to hold out for a reduced charge of manslaughter, as opposed to The States charge of first degree murder. The jury was out for five days before they finally returned with a manslaughter verdict. When Mr. Wilson paid the corrupt juror, he questioned if he had a very difficult time to convince the other jurors to see the evidence his way. Sure did, the juror replies, "The other eleven jurors wanted to acquit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A well respected local surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was watching the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor answered it and heard a fellow doctor colleague on the other end. "We need a fourth for our poker game tonight" said the friend. "Very well. I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three other doctors are there already, but the still need me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While on a road trip, an elderly couple , stopped at a roadside restaurant for quick lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman set her eye glasses down and left them on the table. She didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. Elderly Lady screams out "We got to go back, I left my glasses at the restaurant!" By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a turn around spot, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became more the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey which would improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for a follow up visit, the doctor asked "How are we doing with the pills and the whiskey?" Well Mrs. Stone answered "He's a little behind with the pills, but he is about SIX months ahead with the whiskey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Ruling Party" government ... had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert. "The Ruling Party" was concerned that "Thieves may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How does the watchman do his job properly without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do the time studies. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" Well, they created and hired two people for the Quality Control Department. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then "The Ruling Party" said "How are these people going to get paid?" So the next step was to create the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then "The Ruling Party" said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" Obviously, they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then "The Ruling Party" was concerned that "Although we have had this operation only for one year, we are $24,000 over budget already, so we must cut back overall costs fast." So they laid off the night watchman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Wasn't it New Year's Day just last week??
Now it's Spring Break 2015.
That means Christmas is only three weeks away.
I'm excited. This year I want a new cap gun, a GI Joe, a Hoola Hoop, and a puppy.
OH, and a Erector Set.
Right now I want a bite to eat before I turn off, and turn in.
Have a happy day y'all.
joe
Edit: Oh yeah, I want a Barbie Doll too.
