Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 03/28/15 12:47 AM
The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.
~Stephen Sondheim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Man calls home. Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he put his hand over the mouth piece, and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install your phones, but I can wait untill you get done talking there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL [blip] DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Well I did not get my list knocked out today. I was feeling pretty run down, and the better procrastinator in me won out.
I had to cut a few things from my list, so my grass, and my hair did not get cut. I mean they did get cut, from my list, but they did not get cut.
I was going to put off telling you all until next week, but a little voice inside of me said "NO JOE! You're not going to procrastinate anymore. They deserve to know now."
I've never been more proud of my inner resolve.
It turned out to be a really nice day here today.....after it was too late for me to enjoy it. So I didn't.
Darn, maybe next day off!
I was watching Ancient Aliens today, and they were talking about this universal knowledge called the Akashic. or Akashic record, that contains every bit of information in the universe. Everything that was, or could be, is contained in it, and anyone can tap in to it, but that exceptional people throughout history have been predisposed to open their minds and accept knowledge from it.
They say that even if one person does not take what's contained in it and act upon it, someone else will. In other words, if Alexander Graham Bell had not invented the telephone, someone else would have. If Louis Pasteur had not invented pasteurization someone else would have, although I doubt they would have called it pasteurization. It might have been called Johnsonization or something similar.
I find it impossible to believe though, that if not for my brilliant mind, and genius, someone else would have coined terms like 'everyboomie' and phrases such as 'have a happy day everyboomie.'
Nor can I believe even that somewhere in the universe, on some other planet, some alien is on line posting a thread called Ekno's Diner, and saying "Have a happy day" at this very moment.
They had better not be.
I KNEW I should have copyrighted that!
Have a happy day.....everyboomie.
joe
~Stephen Sondheim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Man calls home. Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he put his hand over the mouth piece, and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install your phones, but I can wait untill you get done talking there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL [blip] DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Well I did not get my list knocked out today. I was feeling pretty run down, and the better procrastinator in me won out.
I had to cut a few things from my list, so my grass, and my hair did not get cut. I mean they did get cut, from my list, but they did not get cut.
I was going to put off telling you all until next week, but a little voice inside of me said "NO JOE! You're not going to procrastinate anymore. They deserve to know now."
I've never been more proud of my inner resolve.
It turned out to be a really nice day here today.....after it was too late for me to enjoy it. So I didn't.
Darn, maybe next day off!
I was watching Ancient Aliens today, and they were talking about this universal knowledge called the Akashic. or Akashic record, that contains every bit of information in the universe. Everything that was, or could be, is contained in it, and anyone can tap in to it, but that exceptional people throughout history have been predisposed to open their minds and accept knowledge from it.
They say that even if one person does not take what's contained in it and act upon it, someone else will. In other words, if Alexander Graham Bell had not invented the telephone, someone else would have. If Louis Pasteur had not invented pasteurization someone else would have, although I doubt they would have called it pasteurization. It might have been called Johnsonization or something similar.
I find it impossible to believe though, that if not for my brilliant mind, and genius, someone else would have coined terms like 'everyboomie' and phrases such as 'have a happy day everyboomie.'
Nor can I believe even that somewhere in the universe, on some other planet, some alien is on line posting a thread called Ekno's Diner, and saying "Have a happy day" at this very moment.
They had better not be.
I KNEW I should have copyrighted that!
Have a happy day.....everyboomie.
joe
everyboomie. Gotcha!
