Posted By: gymcandy1
TGISaturday - 04/04/15 02:29 AM
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.
~Jim Morrison
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. OR Walmart is always out of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Witticisms
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take Good morning everyboomie. what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I wrote those all myself. Hope you like them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm late. I'm late, for a very important appointment with my pillow.
I'm tired and I'm sick.
No wait. I'm sick and tired..........of work.
Exhausted, and scheduled to be back at work at 6am.
Anyway, I hope you all have a very happy day and, welcome to the weekend.
joe
~Jim Morrison
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. OR Walmart is always out of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Witticisms
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take Good morning everyboomie. what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I wrote those all myself. Hope you like them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm late. I'm late, for a very important appointment with my pillow.
I'm tired and I'm sick.
No wait. I'm sick and tired..........of work.
Exhausted, and scheduled to be back at work at 6am.
Anyway, I hope you all have a very happy day and, welcome to the weekend.
joe
For the past week or so, I haven't had time for my usual morning whooshes. Last Saturday, I finally had a chance to visit my mom. 
Thank you.
