Posted By: gymcandy1
Hump Day - 04/08/15 03:46 AM
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
~Kimberly Broyles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Female Laws To Live By
The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack and Jill were getting married.
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.
Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Facts of Life
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear.
The smiley button is unresponsive for me tonight. Perhaps it has a headache.
Perhaps the settings on my computer have magically been restored to their original factory default settings of NOPE:NOPE:THAT WON'T WORK:DON'T TRY THAT: and NOT IN THIS LIFETIME IDIOT!
On the bright side, it's a new day, it's a new week, it's a new dawn, it's a ....OH SUCK AN EGG!
Not what I wanted to say, but then what I wanted to say wouldn't have gotten past the sensor's ax.
I believe her name is Lizzie.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Kimberly Broyles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Female Laws To Live By
The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack and Jill were getting married.
Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."
"I can't wear these," she said.
"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."
"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.
He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.
"Put these on," he said.
Jill replied, "I can't wear these."
"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.
Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.
"I can't get in to these," he said.
"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Facts of Life
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by
pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear.
The smiley button is unresponsive for me tonight. Perhaps it has a headache.
Perhaps the settings on my computer have magically been restored to their original factory default settings of NOPE:NOPE:THAT WON'T WORK:DON'T TRY THAT: and NOT IN THIS LIFETIME IDIOT!
On the bright side, it's a new day, it's a new week, it's a new dawn, it's a ....OH SUCK AN EGG!
Not what I wanted to say, but then what I wanted to say wouldn't have gotten past the sensor's ax.
I believe her name is Lizzie.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Cake, tea and coffee in the naughty corner! 
Happy Day All! 
