Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 05/01/15 03:19 AM
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Oklahoma burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: Why do ducks fly over Oklahoma upside down?
A: There's nothing worth craping on!
Q. What's the difference between a Oklahoma State University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Oklahoma?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Oklahoma?
A: Nice tooth!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virgin Cola's Blue Cans
In 1996 Virgin Cola announced that in the interest of consumer safety it had integrated a new technology into its cans. When the cola passed its sell-by date, the liquid would react with the metal in the can, turning the can itself bright blue. Virgin warned that consumers should therefore avoid purchasing all blue cans. The joke was that Pepsi had recently unveiled its newly designed cans. They were bright blue.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Moving The Eiffel Tower
The Parisien stunned French citizens in 1986 when it reported that an agreement had been signed to dismantle the Eiffle Tower. The international symbol of French culture would then be reconstructed in the new Euro Disney theme park going up east of Paris. In the space where the Tower used to stand, a 35,000 seat stadium would be built for use during the 1992 Olympic Games.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MITkey Mouse
On April 1, 1998 the homepage of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced some startling news: the prestigious university was to be sold to Walt Disney Co. for $6.9 billion. A photograph of the university's famous dome outfitted with a pair of mouse ears accompanied the news. The press release explained that the university was to be dismantled and transported to Orlando where new schools would be added to the campus including the School of Imagineering, the Scrooge McDuck School of Management, and the Donald Duck Department of Linguistics. The fact that the announcement appeared on MIT's homepage added official credibility to it. But in fact, the announcement was the work of students who had hacked into the school's central server and replaced the school's real web page with a phony one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Y2K Solved
In 1999 the Singapore Straits Times reported that a 17-year-old high school student had one-upped all the major software corporations of the world by creating a small computer program that would easily solve the Y2K bug. The camera-shy C student had supposedly devised the program in twenty-nine minutes while solving an algebra problem for his homework. His family and a technology consulting group were reportedly forming a joint venture named 'Polo Flair' in order to commercialize the discovery. They anticipated achieving revenues of $50 million by the end of the year. Numerous journalists and computer specialists contacted the Straits Times, seeking more information about the boy genius and his Y2K cure. One journalist even wanted to know if the boy would be willing to appear on TV, despite the fact that he was camera shy. Unfortunately the boy and his ingenious program didn't exist. Quick-witted readers would have noticed that 'Polo Flair' was an anagram for 'April Fool.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life Discovered on Jupiter
In 1996 AOL subscribers who logged onto the service were greeted by a news flash announcing that a "Government source reveals signs of life on Jupiter." The claim was backed up by statements from a planetary biologist and an assertion by Ted Leonsis, AOL's president, that his company was in possession of documents proving that the government was hiding the existence of life on the massive planet. The story quickly generated over 1,300 messages on AOL. A spokesman for the company later explained that the hoax had been intended as a tribute to Orson Welles's 1938 Halloween broadcast of the War of the Worlds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 26-Day Marathon
In 1981 the Daily Mail ran a story about an unfortunate Japanese long-distance runner, Kimo Nakajimi, who had entered the London Marathon but, on account of a translation error, thought that he had to run for 26 days, not 26 miles. The Daily Mail reported that Nakajimi was now somewhere out on the roads of England, still running, determined to finish the race. Supposedly various people had spotted him, though they were unable to flag him down. The translation error was attributed to Timothy Bryant, an import director, who said, "I translated the rules and sent them off to him. But I have only been learning Japanese for two years, and I must have made a mistake. He seems to be taking this marathon to be something like the very long races they have over there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drunk Driving on the Internet
An article by John Dvorak in the April 1994 issue of PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194... I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is." The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Can you believe that? A talking dog!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Litter
“For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
You know how you just hate to see some days end?
I kinda feel that way about my days off. I don't know why.
So I'm back at the asylum for another 3 days. I guess I can handle 3 days.
I'm seriously considering drawing my social security, and working fewer days.
I was trying to wait till I hit 66 years old, but I don't think I can handle working another 52 years.
OH! You mean I have to be 66 years old physically not mentally?
Still........that's 2 1/2 whole years away.
Heck, with my reckless diet, I may not live 2 1/2 more years.
SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
John Adams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Oklahoma burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: Why do ducks fly over Oklahoma upside down?
A: There's nothing worth craping on!
Q. What's the difference between a Oklahoma State University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Oklahoma?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Oklahoma?
A: Nice tooth!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virgin Cola's Blue Cans
In 1996 Virgin Cola announced that in the interest of consumer safety it had integrated a new technology into its cans. When the cola passed its sell-by date, the liquid would react with the metal in the can, turning the can itself bright blue. Virgin warned that consumers should therefore avoid purchasing all blue cans. The joke was that Pepsi had recently unveiled its newly designed cans. They were bright blue.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Moving The Eiffel Tower
The Parisien stunned French citizens in 1986 when it reported that an agreement had been signed to dismantle the Eiffle Tower. The international symbol of French culture would then be reconstructed in the new Euro Disney theme park going up east of Paris. In the space where the Tower used to stand, a 35,000 seat stadium would be built for use during the 1992 Olympic Games.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MITkey Mouse
On April 1, 1998 the homepage of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced some startling news: the prestigious university was to be sold to Walt Disney Co. for $6.9 billion. A photograph of the university's famous dome outfitted with a pair of mouse ears accompanied the news. The press release explained that the university was to be dismantled and transported to Orlando where new schools would be added to the campus including the School of Imagineering, the Scrooge McDuck School of Management, and the Donald Duck Department of Linguistics. The fact that the announcement appeared on MIT's homepage added official credibility to it. But in fact, the announcement was the work of students who had hacked into the school's central server and replaced the school's real web page with a phony one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Y2K Solved
In 1999 the Singapore Straits Times reported that a 17-year-old high school student had one-upped all the major software corporations of the world by creating a small computer program that would easily solve the Y2K bug. The camera-shy C student had supposedly devised the program in twenty-nine minutes while solving an algebra problem for his homework. His family and a technology consulting group were reportedly forming a joint venture named 'Polo Flair' in order to commercialize the discovery. They anticipated achieving revenues of $50 million by the end of the year. Numerous journalists and computer specialists contacted the Straits Times, seeking more information about the boy genius and his Y2K cure. One journalist even wanted to know if the boy would be willing to appear on TV, despite the fact that he was camera shy. Unfortunately the boy and his ingenious program didn't exist. Quick-witted readers would have noticed that 'Polo Flair' was an anagram for 'April Fool.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life Discovered on Jupiter
In 1996 AOL subscribers who logged onto the service were greeted by a news flash announcing that a "Government source reveals signs of life on Jupiter." The claim was backed up by statements from a planetary biologist and an assertion by Ted Leonsis, AOL's president, that his company was in possession of documents proving that the government was hiding the existence of life on the massive planet. The story quickly generated over 1,300 messages on AOL. A spokesman for the company later explained that the hoax had been intended as a tribute to Orson Welles's 1938 Halloween broadcast of the War of the Worlds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 26-Day Marathon
In 1981 the Daily Mail ran a story about an unfortunate Japanese long-distance runner, Kimo Nakajimi, who had entered the London Marathon but, on account of a translation error, thought that he had to run for 26 days, not 26 miles. The Daily Mail reported that Nakajimi was now somewhere out on the roads of England, still running, determined to finish the race. Supposedly various people had spotted him, though they were unable to flag him down. The translation error was attributed to Timothy Bryant, an import director, who said, "I translated the rules and sent them off to him. But I have only been learning Japanese for two years, and I must have made a mistake. He seems to be taking this marathon to be something like the very long races they have over there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drunk Driving on the Internet
An article by John Dvorak in the April 1994 issue of PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194... I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is." The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Can you believe that? A talking dog!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Litter
“For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
You know how you just hate to see some days end?
I kinda feel that way about my days off. I don't know why.
So I'm back at the asylum for another 3 days. I guess I can handle 3 days.
I'm seriously considering drawing my social security, and working fewer days.
I was trying to wait till I hit 66 years old, but I don't think I can handle working another 52 years.
OH! You mean I have to be 66 years old physically not mentally?
Still........that's 2 1/2 whole years away. Heck, with my reckless diet, I may not live 2 1/2 more years.
SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
he's all healed up
Got nothing planned for the weekend but easy peasy!
Is there not anyone else you could see?