Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip & Surf Sunday - 05/03/15 04:23 AM
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…
—Elayne Boosler
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names …
Cats
Cleocatra
Bing Clawsby
Chairman Meow
Alexander the Grey
Dogs
Mary-Louise Barker
Bettie Poops
Virginia Woof
Iggy Pup
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.
"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."
"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Looks like it's going to be a be-you-ti-ful Sunday morning.
It's so nice, I may get on my chopper, and take a road trip.
Oh I forgot, I traded my chopper in on a new walker.
Now my walker has 4 legs, and answers to Baby.
Anyway, it's not a day off, so Sunday is not a fun day today.
Oh I'm sure I'll have some fun a work.
It's still gonna be a beautiful day.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
― Bernard M. Baruch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…
—Elayne Boosler
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names …
Cats
Cleocatra
Bing Clawsby
Chairman Meow
Alexander the Grey
Dogs
Mary-Louise Barker
Bettie Poops
Virginia Woof
Iggy Pup
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.
"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."
"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Looks like it's going to be a be-you-ti-ful Sunday morning.
It's so nice, I may get on my chopper, and take a road trip.
Oh I forgot, I traded my chopper in on a new walker.
Now my walker has 4 legs, and answers to Baby.
Anyway, it's not a day off, so Sunday is not a fun day today.
Oh I'm sure I'll have some fun a work.
It's still gonna be a beautiful day.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
