Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip & Surf Sunday - 05/24/15 01:53 AM
Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
—Shirley Maclaine
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The Tax Man Cometh
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
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Misreading the Signals
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
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Exterminating Grandma
As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma Marie the same.”
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Chik-fail-A
Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
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Misfortune Cookie
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
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What 87-Year-Olds Give Up For Lent
“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
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Colonoscopy Small Talk
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
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What’s Your Definition of “Woman”?
Request from a client to our Ad agency: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”
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Weirdest Craigslist Post Ever?
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
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Landmarks and Spacemarks
While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
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Baby’s First Army Roll Call
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!”
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Kids Say: Concert Edition
After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we took our seats, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.”
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's Diner/Noah's Ark Edition.
We have more storms, and much more rain approaching.
I received a text from our city office with a flood warning, and a notice that the city has sand bags available to all residents.
I may just have to get to work by backstroke, if I wake up and my house is floating.
Just to be safe, I stopped at Walmart and bought an anchor on the way home.
Ok it's getting here fast. Gotta get this posted.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
—Shirley Maclaine
``````````````````````
The Tax Man Cometh
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”
`````````````````````````
Misreading the Signals
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
`````````````````````````
Exterminating Grandma
As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma Marie the same.”
```````````````````````
Chik-fail-A
Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
```````````````````````````
Misfortune Cookie
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
```````````````````````
What 87-Year-Olds Give Up For Lent
“Has your diet changed?” I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”
`````````````````````````
Colonoscopy Small Talk
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
```````````````````````
What’s Your Definition of “Woman”?
Request from a client to our Ad agency: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”
`````````````````````
Weirdest Craigslist Post Ever?
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:
“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.
```````````````````````````
Landmarks and Spacemarks
While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
`````````````````````````
Baby’s First Army Roll Call
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!”
````````````````````````
Kids Say: Concert Edition
After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we took our seats, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.”
```````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's Diner/Noah's Ark Edition.
We have more storms, and much more rain approaching.
I received a text from our city office with a flood warning, and a notice that the city has sand bags available to all residents.
I may just have to get to work by backstroke, if I wake up and my house is floating.
Just to be safe, I stopped at Walmart and bought an anchor on the way home.
Ok it's getting here fast. Gotta get this posted.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe