Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 05/26/15 05:27 AM
The worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
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Does That Come in Super-Size?
A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis.
“And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said.
“What?” asked the clerk.
“The free wiffie,” she said, pointing to the sign.
“Ma’am, that’s ‘Free Wi-Fi.’ ”
````````````````````````````
Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)
• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)
• References: “My landscaper.” (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)
• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)
• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)
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No—I Prefer to Push
Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?”
“Last night at 11:00,” I said.
“And the tires were on it then?”
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Sharknado Truthers
Scene: A secondhand movie exchange …
Me: Do you have the DVD of Sharknado?
Clerk: Is that a documentary?
```````````````````````
Let Minnow
My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking ankle deep in the clear water. The woman was extolling the beauty of the island when suddenly she let out a scream.
“Oh!” she shrieked. “There are fish in here!”
``````````````````````
Well, That’s a Creative Answer…
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
```````````````````````
Incumbent Imbecile
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
````````````````````
Start With a 5K…
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
`````````````````````````
Seen on an Online Forum:
“I hate audio correct.”
````````````````````````````
Malapropisms on Twitter
“Time heals all wombs.”
“The seizure salad … is so good.”
“I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?”
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Did anybody get the number of that tidal wave?
We had the worst day I've seen since I moved to Oklahoma................weather-wise.
We had a couple of tornado warnings, and had to corral all the customers at the front of the store. YIPPIE!!
We got about 6 buckets of rain....................per square inch.
I was about to have an stroke waiting to get out of that store, and get home to see if my babies were ok.
They were just fine, and very excited to see me. Almost as excited as I was to see them.
I'm really looking forward to seeing my pillow now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Demetri Martin
`````````````````````````````
Does That Come in Super-Size?
A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis.
“And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said.
“What?” asked the clerk.
“The free wiffie,” she said, pointing to the sign.
“Ma’am, that’s ‘Free Wi-Fi.’ ”
````````````````````````````
Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)
• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)
• References: “My landscaper.” (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)
• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)
• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)
``````````````````````````
No—I Prefer to Push
Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?”
“Last night at 11:00,” I said.
“And the tires were on it then?”
``````````````````````````
Sharknado Truthers
Scene: A secondhand movie exchange …
Me: Do you have the DVD of Sharknado?
Clerk: Is that a documentary?
```````````````````````
Let Minnow
My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking ankle deep in the clear water. The woman was extolling the beauty of the island when suddenly she let out a scream.
“Oh!” she shrieked. “There are fish in here!”
``````````````````````
Well, That’s a Creative Answer…
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
```````````````````````
Incumbent Imbecile
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
````````````````````
Start With a 5K…
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
`````````````````````````
Seen on an Online Forum:
“I hate audio correct.”
````````````````````````````
Malapropisms on Twitter
“Time heals all wombs.”
“The seizure salad … is so good.”
“I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?”
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Did anybody get the number of that tidal wave?
We had the worst day I've seen since I moved to Oklahoma................weather-wise.
We had a couple of tornado warnings, and had to corral all the customers at the front of the store. YIPPIE!!
We got about 6 buckets of rain....................per square inch.
I was about to have an stroke waiting to get out of that store, and get home to see if my babies were ok.
They were just fine, and very excited to see me. Almost as excited as I was to see them.
I'm really looking forward to seeing my pillow now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
