Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 05/28/15 05:19 AM
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
—Zach Galifianakis
`````````````````````````
Planedemonium
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
````````````````````````
For My Next Impression…
I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me.
“Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said.
“Hi, Eddie,” she replied.
“So you do remember me?” I asked.
“Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”
```````````````````````````
Believe Me, I Would if I Could.
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”
```````````````````````````````
The Scale of The Situation
We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth.
“I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”
``````````````````
That’s Not How it Works, Dad.
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
`````````````````````````
Our Office Needs a 3D Printer
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine.
`````````````````````````
Shane. My Office. Now.
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him:
“Shane, stop putting Some Assembly Required stickers on the eight-piece chickens.”
“Shane, any free samples you give must come from the deli, not electronics.”
“Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to Albertsons.”
````````````````````````
Head to the Dentist
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.
“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”
His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”
````````````````````````````
Put-Downs Down Under
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
``````````````````````````
G-d Hates B.S.
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
``````````````````````````
More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders
We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into the building.
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the new day diner!
It's the one that follows the old day diner, or the other day diner.
In other words, this ain't yesterday's diner, unless you happen to be in the wrong one.
This is something else.
This diner couldn't be any finer in Carolina.
North or South.
That also includes East or West North Carolina, and East or West......Texas.
I hate being predictable.
I am though, because I think you know what I'm gonna say next.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
—Zach Galifianakis
`````````````````````````
Planedemonium
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
````````````````````````
For My Next Impression…
I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me.
“Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said.
“Hi, Eddie,” she replied.
“So you do remember me?” I asked.
“Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”
```````````````````````````
Believe Me, I Would if I Could.
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”
```````````````````````````````
The Scale of The Situation
We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth.
“I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”
``````````````````
That’s Not How it Works, Dad.
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
`````````````````````````
Our Office Needs a 3D Printer
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine.
`````````````````````````
Shane. My Office. Now.
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him:
“Shane, stop putting Some Assembly Required stickers on the eight-piece chickens.”
“Shane, any free samples you give must come from the deli, not electronics.”
“Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to Albertsons.”
````````````````````````
Head to the Dentist
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.
“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”
His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”
````````````````````````````
Put-Downs Down Under
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
``````````````````````````
G-d Hates B.S.
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
``````````````````````````
More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders
We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into the building.
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the new day diner!
It's the one that follows the old day diner, or the other day diner.
In other words, this ain't yesterday's diner, unless you happen to be in the wrong one.
This is something else.
This diner couldn't be any finer in Carolina.
North or South.
That also includes East or West North Carolina, and East or West......Texas.
I hate being predictable.
I am though, because I think you know what I'm gonna say next.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Only here!!!
