Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 06/12/15 03:47 AM
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
~Groucho Marx
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Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
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The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I don't know what to do with myself tonight.
I don't have to get up early tomorrow.
I don't go to work until 1:00.
That means that I can stay up late, and do whatever I want.
The only problem with that statement is that "stay up late" and "do whatever I want", are diametrically opposing ideas.
You see, that's because what I want to do is to go....to....bed.
Growing old DOES have it's benefits.
I no longer burn my candle at both ends.........................thus saving on candle expense.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Groucho Marx
```````````````````````````````````````
Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
`````````````````````````````````
The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
```````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I don't know what to do with myself tonight.
I don't have to get up early tomorrow.
I don't go to work until 1:00.
That means that I can stay up late, and do whatever I want.
The only problem with that statement is that "stay up late" and "do whatever I want", are diametrically opposing ideas.
You see, that's because what I want to do is to go....to....bed.
Growing old DOES have it's benefits.
I no longer burn my candle at both ends.........................thus saving on candle expense.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe Ana, Haroula and everyone. I have the coffee ready. Have a wonderful Friday everyone! 
Sorta
