Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's Toe Tapping Terrific Diner - 06/16/15 12:20 AM
How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it.
~Sara Swank
`````````````````````````
Funny Kids’ Mistakes about the Bible
These mistakes have been collected from Sundayschool teachers, Catholic school teachers and others
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
`````````````````````
Funny Church Bulletins and Announcement Mistakes and Bloopers
Don’t let worries kill you- let the church help.
Here are some really funny church bulletins and announcements:
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
A men’s choir is starting in two weeks. If you are a man and you like to sin in the shower, consider joining in with other men!
“Ok guys let’s start today from the psalm 150, ‘let everything that has breasts praise the Lord’ ”
“Ladies wanting to find more happiness in your life see the pastor for details on joining the group.”
`````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie, and good night.
I'm running kinda late again tonight......
....I mean this morning? 
I went over to my neighbor's house after I got home from work today. They have two big parrots and I wanted to see them. I had a very large Cockatoo on my shoulder, and he decided that I need my ear pierced, so he pierced it for me. HOLY CR*P THAT HURT!!!!!
My ear bled so much I though I would need a transfusion.
The bird thought it was funny.
They're saying now we have a really good chance for more flooding here starting tonight. Oh joy.
I forgot to tell y'all that my brother came down here to pick up a granite marker that we had by the old well at Mom's place. He was only here for a few hours and then went back home. He told me that unless something bad should happen, he wouldn't be coming down here ever again.
I told him that unless something really good happens, I probably won't be leaving here again.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
~Sara Swank
`````````````````````````
Funny Kids’ Mistakes about the Bible
These mistakes have been collected from Sundayschool teachers, Catholic school teachers and others
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
`````````````````````
Funny Church Bulletins and Announcement Mistakes and Bloopers
Don’t let worries kill you- let the church help.
Here are some really funny church bulletins and announcements:
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
A men’s choir is starting in two weeks. If you are a man and you like to sin in the shower, consider joining in with other men!
“Ok guys let’s start today from the psalm 150, ‘let everything that has breasts praise the Lord’ ”
“Ladies wanting to find more happiness in your life see the pastor for details on joining the group.”
`````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie, and good night.
I'm running kinda late again tonight......
....I mean this morning? I went over to my neighbor's house after I got home from work today. They have two big parrots and I wanted to see them. I had a very large Cockatoo on my shoulder, and he decided that I need my ear pierced, so he pierced it for me. HOLY CR*P THAT HURT!!!!!
My ear bled so much I though I would need a transfusion.
The bird thought it was funny.
They're saying now we have a really good chance for more flooding here starting tonight. Oh joy.
I forgot to tell y'all that my brother came down here to pick up a granite marker that we had by the old well at Mom's place. He was only here for a few hours and then went back home. He told me that unless something bad should happen, he wouldn't be coming down here ever again.
I told him that unless something really good happens, I probably won't be leaving here again.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
for the laughs Joe. 
L4L I hope tomorrow is cooler than today. That's way too hot. But for now I need to say good night. Sweet dreams all.