Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 07/02/15 12:31 AM
There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and
~Brad Ramsey
````````````````````````````````
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
```````````````````````
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
``````````````````````````
It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
````````````````````````
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"
`````````````````````````````````
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Hey there Dave. Picked up a real screamer tonight didn't ya buddy?"
````````````````````````````````````
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."
`````````````````````````````````````````
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the [blip] ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here, it's a par three!!"
```````````````````````````
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.
The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
``````````````````````````
A man and his wife enter a dentist's office.
The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
`````````````````````````
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What is going on here? There are six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't even count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. I'm sorry honey, you're absolutely right."
```````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Alrighty then. That should be plenty of jokes for you, even if some of the racy ones get nixed.
By the way. If you'd like to ready *all* the juicy jokes that are too hot for the diner, you can subscribe to "Joe's After Dark Diner" and have them emailed driectly to you for only a $9.99 recurring monthly membership fee.
Or....you could just look them up right here on the internet like I do..........for free.
Not that I intentionally look up dirty jokes mind yoiu. It's just that more than half of the jokes on these jokes sites are considered 'adult' jokes, and I have to weed my way through them.
I don't want you kids seeing that sort of risky business.
Or frisky business. 
Ok I have yet a nuther 3:30 wakey wakey, so I'm off for my appointment with the sandman.
Only mine's a sandwoman.
There is no discrimination in this house, no ma'am!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Brad Ramsey
````````````````````````````````
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
```````````````````````
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
``````````````````````````
It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
````````````````````````
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"
`````````````````````````````````
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Hey there Dave. Picked up a real screamer tonight didn't ya buddy?"
````````````````````````````````````
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."
`````````````````````````````````````````
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the [blip] ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here, it's a par three!!"
```````````````````````````
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.
The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
``````````````````````````
A man and his wife enter a dentist's office.
The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
`````````````````````````
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What is going on here? There are six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't even count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. I'm sorry honey, you're absolutely right."
```````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Alrighty then. That should be plenty of jokes for you, even if some of the racy ones get nixed.
By the way. If you'd like to ready *all* the juicy jokes that are too hot for the diner, you can subscribe to "Joe's After Dark Diner" and have them emailed driectly to you for only a $9.99 recurring monthly membership fee.
Or....you could just look them up right here on the internet like I do..........for free.
Not that I intentionally look up dirty jokes mind yoiu. It's just that more than half of the jokes on these jokes sites are considered 'adult' jokes, and I have to weed my way through them.
I don't want you kids seeing that sort of risky business.
Or frisky business. Ok I have yet a nuther 3:30 wakey wakey, so I'm off for my appointment with the sandman.
Only mine's a sandwoman.
There is no discrimination in this house, no ma'am!
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
