Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 07/30/15 12:26 AM
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx
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A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs allowed in the bar."
"Oh please?," begs the customer. You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals."
"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!"
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"
"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I 've only had him for five years."
``````````````````````````
A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
````````````````````````
A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.
When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, "It wasn't me was it?"
```````````````````````
Thinking of becoming a superhero? Here are some useful pointers.
1. Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point, e.g. Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have a really good lawyer or lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is self-control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
``````````````````````````````
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
```````````````````````````
We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me...
I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...
She said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were crass. So was her handbag...we broke up.
```````````````````````````
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
````````````````````````````
The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and get back soon to save me from my wife’s cooking."
```````````````````````````
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
`````````````````````````
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
`````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a nuther one.
Uhmmm
....just like the other one? 
For better or for worse. In sickness and in health....etc...etc....etc....bla....bla....bla.....
The truth is, it beats the alternative any old way you look at it, so suck it up soldier.....
....or at your age maybe you need to suck it in...... 
.....and get out there and have a happy day!!! 
woot woot
LG
joe
Groucho Marx
`````````````````````````
A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs allowed in the bar."
"Oh please?," begs the customer. You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals."
"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!"
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"
"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I 've only had him for five years."
``````````````````````````
A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
````````````````````````
A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.
When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, "It wasn't me was it?"
```````````````````````
Thinking of becoming a superhero? Here are some useful pointers.
1. Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point, e.g. Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have a really good lawyer or lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is self-control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
``````````````````````````````
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
```````````````````````````
We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me...
I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...
She said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were crass. So was her handbag...we broke up.
```````````````````````````
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
````````````````````````````
The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and get back soon to save me from my wife’s cooking."
```````````````````````````
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
`````````````````````````
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
`````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a nuther one.
Uhmmm
....just like the other one? For better or for worse. In sickness and in health....etc...etc....etc....bla....bla....bla.....
The truth is, it beats the alternative any old way you look at it, so suck it up soldier.....
....or at your age maybe you need to suck it in...... .....and get out there and have a happy day!!! woot woot LG
joe
Good Morning Joe, Space, L4L, Ana, Nan and All. Joe it's hot here too. Another muggy day in the 90s. Space enjoy your day. L4L what are you reading? Ana still swimming? Nan you're up late! Sleep well. Coffee is ready and the tea water is simmering. Wishing a beautiful day for everyone! 
