Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Monkey Madness - 08/03/15 12:02 AM
There are three ages of man - youth, middle age, and 'you're looking wonderful.'
Cardinal Francis Spellman
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Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.
Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.
The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.
When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
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Did you hear about the moron who accidentally swallowed some pennies? He asked everyone he passed if they saw any change in him?
````````````````````````````````
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
```````````````````````````````
How did you do in your tests ?
I did what George Washington did !
What was that ?
Went down in history !
````````````````````````
What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's tomb indicate ?
The registration of the chariot that ran him over !
`````````````````````
A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".
Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
```````````````````````````
Do you like your new baby sister?
She's all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 30 days.
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
The circle of life, the carnival carousel of fun, the wheel of misfortune, has landed once again on Monday.
I'm still dizzy from last week.
The good news is that I am off Wednesday and Thursday again with vacation.
It's getting harder to stay on the ride for a whole week without falling off.
Every time I do a little voice inside my head tells me to get up and get right back on that pony.........that carousel pony.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Cardinal Francis Spellman
```````````````````````
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.
Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.
The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.
When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
`````````````````````````````
Did you hear about the moron who accidentally swallowed some pennies? He asked everyone he passed if they saw any change in him?
````````````````````````````````
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
``````````````````````
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
```````````````````````````````
How did you do in your tests ?
I did what George Washington did !
What was that ?
Went down in history !
````````````````````````
What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's tomb indicate ?
The registration of the chariot that ran him over !
`````````````````````
A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".
Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
```````````````````````````
Do you like your new baby sister?
She's all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 30 days.
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
The circle of life, the carnival carousel of fun, the wheel of misfortune, has landed once again on Monday.
I'm still dizzy from last week.
The good news is that I am off Wednesday and Thursday again with vacation.
It's getting harder to stay on the ride for a whole week without falling off.
Every time I do a little voice inside my head tells me to get up and get right back on that pony.........that carousel pony.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
