Posted By: gymcandy1
Fantastic Friday - 08/14/15 06:33 AM
The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden…It ends with Revelations.
Oscar Wilde
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If you don't pay your exorcist can you get repossessed?
``````````````````````
A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old."
The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."
````````````````````````
A robbery at a school in Providencia, Chile was foiled when the pupils laughed at the perpetrator of the crime reports the newspaper Las Ultimas Noticias.
The teachers, pupils and parents had been watching the rehearsal of a play which began with the words, 'This is a robbery'.
The criminal used these words and the audience collapsed in fits of laughter. So taken aback, the robber snatched the registration money and fled from the school into the arms of the police who were on their way having been alerted to the robbery.
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Confucius says
[1] Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.
[2] Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
[3] Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
[4] Man who fish in other mans' well often catch craps.
[5] Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
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Robyn leaves home for University and after several weeks she turns up at home in quite a distressed state.
'Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice,' she splutters.
'I did?' responds her father, 'What did I tell you?'
Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble,' explains Robyn sniffing.
'What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country,' he remarks, 'there must be some mistake.....'
'I don't think so,' Robyn interrupts, 'They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, "Insufficient Funds"'
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An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
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A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
```````````````````````````````
Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it?
The elephant's!
``````````````````````````````
Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's been a crazy long day, and I can't keep the sleep away.
I hope you all have a super Friday.
I...am...off...
....and now off to bed. 
joe
Oscar Wilde
`````````````````````````
If you don't pay your exorcist can you get repossessed?
``````````````````````
A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old."
The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."
````````````````````````
A robbery at a school in Providencia, Chile was foiled when the pupils laughed at the perpetrator of the crime reports the newspaper Las Ultimas Noticias.
The teachers, pupils and parents had been watching the rehearsal of a play which began with the words, 'This is a robbery'.
The criminal used these words and the audience collapsed in fits of laughter. So taken aback, the robber snatched the registration money and fled from the school into the arms of the police who were on their way having been alerted to the robbery.
`````````````````````````````````````
Confucius says
[1] Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.
[2] Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
[3] Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
[4] Man who fish in other mans' well often catch craps.
[5] Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
```````````````````````
Robyn leaves home for University and after several weeks she turns up at home in quite a distressed state.
'Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice,' she splutters.
'I did?' responds her father, 'What did I tell you?'
Well, you told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in serious trouble,' explains Robyn sniffing.
'What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the whole country,' he remarks, 'there must be some mistake.....'
'I don't think so,' Robyn interrupts, 'They just returned one of my cheques with a note saying, "Insufficient Funds"'
``````````````````````````````
An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
````````````````````````````````````````
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control.
The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
```````````````````````````````
Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it?
The elephant's!
``````````````````````````````
Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!"
`````````````````````````
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's been a crazy long day, and I can't keep the sleep away.
I hope you all have a super Friday.
I...am...off...
....and now off to bed. joe
Good day to stay in and game in the A/C!!