Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 08/19/15 06:48 AM
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
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What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
`````````````````````
A lady is throwing a Birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.. a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.
But the clown hadn't shown up.
After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.
She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.
I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
```````````````````````````
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
``````````````````````````
Confucius Reexamined
* Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
* Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
* Man with one chopstick go hungry.
* Man who scratches bum should not bite fingernails.
```````````````````````
Fred sees an old Abo walking down the road, apparently oblivious to the fact that he's wearing only one thong.
"Hey, Jackie" calls out Fred, "You've lost a thong!".
"Nah, mate" says the old Abo, "I've just found one".
```````````````````````````
A good old joke: A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."
"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.
`````````````````````````
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
````````````````````````
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his back side over by the holy water," said the boy.
```````````````````````````````
Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
````````````````````````
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I know two immutable things right this minute. 1......I am off the next two days, and 2......It's over half past mid-night.
Ok Three things.
3......I'm over half way to unconsciousness.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Groucho Marx
``````````````````````
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a hillbilly?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The hillbilly gets emotionally involved.
`````````````````````
A lady is throwing a Birthday party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.. a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time.
But the clown hadn't shown up.
After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.
She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous.
I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
```````````````````````````
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
``````````````````````````
Confucius Reexamined
* Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
* Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
* Man with one chopstick go hungry.
* Man who scratches bum should not bite fingernails.
```````````````````````
Fred sees an old Abo walking down the road, apparently oblivious to the fact that he's wearing only one thong.
"Hey, Jackie" calls out Fred, "You've lost a thong!".
"Nah, mate" says the old Abo, "I've just found one".
```````````````````````````
A good old joke: A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers."
"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.
`````````````````````````
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
````````````````````````
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his back side over by the holy water," said the boy.
```````````````````````````````
Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
````````````````````````
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I know two immutable things right this minute. 1......I am off the next two days, and 2......It's over half past mid-night.
Ok Three things.
3......I'm over half way to unconsciousness.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Haroula, Connie, Sue, venus, Nan, Yankee, and I'm sure I'm missing more, I hope all is well. 
looney 
Ooo Ahh!
