Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 10/05/15 10:35 PM
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”
– Ronald Reagan
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Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
``````````````````````````
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, "Why does the boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
````````````````````````
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
````````````````````````````
A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.
After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head, "No."
"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.
The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"
``````````````````````
The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just [blip] sick of mornings."
``````````````````````````
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
`````````````````````````````
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."
`````````````````````````````
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
````````````````````````
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."
``````````````````````````````
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her Is ( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________
Signature( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back)
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Skid Row Joe here.......or is it Front Row Joe?
I think maybe it's Not Your Average Joe..........for better or worser.
There is one day down on my average work week and three to go.
The first two start at 5am, so of course I'm doing my count down to bed time.
I've got to try and squeeze in some gaming though before bed.
I know I'm putting this out there early, but don't think anyone will mind.
Have a nappy day......I mean a happy day everyone.
joe
– Ronald Reagan
`````````````````````````
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."
"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
``````````````````````````
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, "Why does the boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
````````````````````````
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
````````````````````````````
A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.
After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head, "No."
"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.
The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"
``````````````````````
The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just [blip] sick of mornings."
``````````````````````````
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.
Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
`````````````````````````````
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."
`````````````````````````````
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
````````````````````````
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."
``````````````````````````````
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________
_______________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her Is ( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
________________________________________
Signature( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back)
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Skid Row Joe here.......or is it Front Row Joe?
I think maybe it's Not Your Average Joe..........for better or worser.
There is one day down on my average work week and three to go.
The first two start at 5am, so of course I'm doing my count down to bed time.
I've got to try and squeeze in some gaming though before bed.
I know I'm putting this out there early, but don't think anyone will mind.
Have a nappy day......I mean a happy day everyone.
joe
The person who normally covers the other two stores can't make it, and apparently some other people also took off. So that left me to cover both of his other stores, as several employees need to double and triple up tomorrow. Which means a stressful day of scrambling to get everything done in eight hours, so I can have time to practice singing tomorrow. Otherwise, I suppose I will have to miss a day. I'll just have to see how things go. Not looking forward to tomorrow, but it's only one day. 
My hike got changed to Wednesday due to work. 
I must have missed the edit. 
Thanks, I hope it goes by quickly as well. 
Karen
