Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip and Surf Sunday - 10/11/15 01:46 AM
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A photograph of Anonymous. ANONYMOUS
I've always wondered what Anonymous looked like.
`````````````````````
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home ... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."
`````````````````
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?, You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man in the front row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
```````````````````````````
A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."
The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
```````````````````````
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
``````````````````````````
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
she replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."
````````````````````````
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
```````````````````````````
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that".
``````````````````````````````
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the housekeeping money you give me".
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!".
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoots Mon woman! Wht d'ye hae no knickers?"
She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency woman, here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit!"
``````````````````````````````
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
````````````````````````````
Talk about risky business!
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope you're all enjoying your weekend so far.
I'm heading into the other room, I hear there's a great party going on.
A slumber party.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
A photograph of Anonymous. ANONYMOUS
I've always wondered what Anonymous looked like.
`````````````````````
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home ... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."
`````````````````
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?, You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man in the front row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
```````````````````````````
A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one."
The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
```````````````````````
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
``````````````````````````
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
she replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."
````````````````````````
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
```````````````````````````
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that".
``````````````````````````````
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the housekeeping money you give me".
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!".
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoots Mon woman! Wht d'ye hae no knickers?"
She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any."
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency woman, here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit!"
``````````````````````````````
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
````````````````````````````
Talk about risky business!
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope you're all enjoying your weekend so far.
I'm heading into the other room, I hear there's a great party going on.
A slumber party.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Off to church this morning then hopefully a fun day today. 
to Abbi!
That was a first. Well I got more sleep but I'm still coughing. I really hope I didn't give my sister or my nephew my germs. They have a long way to travel to get home. I'm gonna go to work for 5:00.
