Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 11/06/15 03:47 AM
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.
GEORGE MILLER
```````````````````````
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
`````````````````````````````
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper. v - You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.
`````````````````````````````````
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
The old man answers, Is name of owner.
The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?
Me...is right here,replies the old man.
You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Is simple, says the old man.Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?
I say... Sem Ting.
````````````````````
Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
````````````````````````
An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished Englishman with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
"If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $2,000,000 bank account."
"If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have sex with her again!"
```````````````````````
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued,pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting below them!."
`````````````````````````
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?"
said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us."
````````````````````````
Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province. "We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued," Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces joined Confederation. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
You had to be there.
``````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's day off. Whichever day it happens to fall on this week.
Yesterday was a great day but work was kinda boring. I didn't have much to do, because my department is near perfect in every way.......thanks to moi.
I managed to get through the whole 9 hours anyhow.
The other thing about my work day was that I got my flu shot, which is a good thing. I never used to get them, and I never used to get the flu, until my first Winter in this place. I got it worst than I ever thought was possible. I was so sick I was throwing up food I ate the year before.
Now I get that shot every years without fail by golly!!
I got off of work at 2:00 and rushed home. I got home at about 2:15, and took Baby out walking first thing, because we were supposed to get some rain. Well it rained, and it stormed, and we had storm warnings, and we had tornado watches, and we had flash flood warnings, and got more rain.....and so on.....and so on.
Don't know just how much rain we got. Probably not near enough to wash all the stinking vermin out of this place, but I could not get on line until 7:30.
I was not happy about that, but Baby was ecstatic.
She got even more attention.
Poor neglected dog.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
GEORGE MILLER
```````````````````````
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
`````````````````````````````
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper. v - You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.
`````````````````````````````````
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
The old man answers, Is name of owner.
The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?
Me...is right here,replies the old man.
You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Is simple, says the old man.Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?
I say... Sem Ting.
````````````````````
Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
````````````````````````
An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished Englishman with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
"If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $2,000,000 bank account."
"If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have sex with her again!"
```````````````````````
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued,pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting below them!."
`````````````````````````
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?"
said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us."
````````````````````````
Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province. "We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued," Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces joined Confederation. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
You had to be there. ``````````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's day off. Whichever day it happens to fall on this week.
Yesterday was a great day but work was kinda boring. I didn't have much to do, because my department is near perfect in every way.......thanks to moi.
I managed to get through the whole 9 hours anyhow.
The other thing about my work day was that I got my flu shot, which is a good thing. I never used to get them, and I never used to get the flu, until my first Winter in this place. I got it worst than I ever thought was possible. I was so sick I was throwing up food I ate the year before.
Now I get that shot every years without fail by golly!!
I got off of work at 2:00 and rushed home. I got home at about 2:15, and took Baby out walking first thing, because we were supposed to get some rain. Well it rained, and it stormed, and we had storm warnings, and we had tornado watches, and we had flash flood warnings, and got more rain.....and so on.....and so on.
Don't know just how much rain we got. Probably not near enough to wash all the stinking vermin out of this place, but I could not get on line until 7:30.
I was not happy about that, but Baby was ecstatic.
She got even more attention.
Poor neglected dog.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Glad you got through your long day, and enjoy your day off. 
Probably because it's been such a long week. I have just one more semi long day to go, and then I will have the weekend to sing, game and be with my kitties. 
