Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 02/05/16 03:41 AM
One time, a guy handed me a
picture and said, “Here’s a picture
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
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Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
10. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
9. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
8. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
6. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
5. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
4. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
3. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
2. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
1. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
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The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
``````````````````````````
Top Ten Signs You Migh be a redneck...
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
``````````````````````````
Top 10 Reasons I'm Happy To Have Been Born February 29th
10. "My house isn't all cluttered with thoughtful birthday presents"
9. "Between my birthday and the [blip] groundhog, February's a non-stop party"
8. "Though it's not legal, I pay my taxes once every four years, too"
7. "You think I'd be appearing on national TV if I'd been born February 28th?"
6. "How many people get a car on their fifth birthday?"
5. "We still pay the children's price at the movies"
4. "Lack of birthday cake has kept me relatively thin"
2. "Dumb people think you're supernatural"
1. "I don't know why, but it gets me a lot of tail"
`````````````````````````````
Top 10 Things Heard Outside The New Mel Gibson Movie
10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"
9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"
8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew"
7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder"
6. "Was this really based on a book?"
5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right, people?"
4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'"
3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now."
2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"
1. "Don't tell me the ending"
````````````````````````````````
Top 10 Signs You Should Get A Divorce
10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters."
9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.
8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Witch" section is.
7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you.
6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.
5. She brings a date to couples counseling.
4. You just married Liza Minnelli.
3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.
2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.
1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."
`````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
IT'S FRIDAY!!!
I think it is.
Still not sure if I'll go in to work today. I'll wait and see how I feel when I get up..................today.
My back was a lot better after using an ice pack, and then heat pack on it all day, and this evening I can move around much better.
Clapping my hands above my head hurts though. I won't do that again.
I guess I just have to learn to act my age.
Maybe I'll take some yogurt classes.
Someone suggested I could limber up and lose weight at the same time if I rub it on my back every night, and lick it off.
Sounds like a real challenge to me though.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
``````````````````````````````
Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
10. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
9. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
8. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
6. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
5. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
4. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
3. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
2. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
1. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
````````````````````````````````
The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
``````````````````````````
Top Ten Signs You Migh be a redneck...
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
``````````````````````````
Top 10 Reasons I'm Happy To Have Been Born February 29th
10. "My house isn't all cluttered with thoughtful birthday presents"
9. "Between my birthday and the [blip] groundhog, February's a non-stop party"
8. "Though it's not legal, I pay my taxes once every four years, too"
7. "You think I'd be appearing on national TV if I'd been born February 28th?"
6. "How many people get a car on their fifth birthday?"
5. "We still pay the children's price at the movies"
4. "Lack of birthday cake has kept me relatively thin"
2. "Dumb people think you're supernatural"
1. "I don't know why, but it gets me a lot of tail"
`````````````````````````````
Top 10 Things Heard Outside The New Mel Gibson Movie
10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"
9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"
8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew"
7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder"
6. "Was this really based on a book?"
5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right, people?"
4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'"
3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now."
2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"
1. "Don't tell me the ending"
````````````````````````````````
Top 10 Signs You Should Get A Divorce
10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters."
9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.
8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Witch" section is.
7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you.
6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.
5. She brings a date to couples counseling.
4. You just married Liza Minnelli.
3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.
2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.
1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."
`````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
IT'S FRIDAY!!!
I think it is. Still not sure if I'll go in to work today. I'll wait and see how I feel when I get up..................today.
My back was a lot better after using an ice pack, and then heat pack on it all day, and this evening I can move around much better.
Clapping my hands above my head hurts though. I won't do that again.
I guess I just have to learn to act my age.
Maybe I'll take some yogurt classes.
Someone suggested I could limber up and lose weight at the same time if I rub it on my back every night, and lick it off.
Sounds like a real challenge to me though.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
