Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 02/13/16 04:53 AM
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
—Jack Benny
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Websites with Funny, But Clean Names (Slurls*)
childrenswear.co.uk - Naughty children!
childrenslaughter.com - Not funny!
choosespain.com - Will and Guy prefer Portugal.
goredforwomen.com - Painful reading.
icup.tv - Genuine hiccup.
newsnow.co.uk - No danger of an avalanche in England.
teacherstalk.com - Catch a coach?
wombeat.com - Strange place.
`````````````````````````
Silly English Grammar
Sought: Two strong, clean youths for sausages.
Wanted: Precast concrete man.
Need: Woman to run up curtains.
Wanted: A room by two gentlemen 30 feet long and 20 feet wide.
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Five Funny English Mistakes
Butcher's sign: Try our sausages. None like them.
A tailor's guarantee: If the smallest hole appears after six months' wear, we will make another absolutely free.
Lost: A small pony belonging to a young lady with a silver mane and tail.
Barber's sign: Hair cut while you wait.
Lost: Wallet belonging to a young man made of calf skin
```````````````````
Five Further Funny Grammatical Errors
It takes many ingredients to make Burger King great but, the secret ingredient is our people.
Slow Children Crossing.
"Should Madonna be aloud to adopt again?"
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car." (Warning at a safari park).
```````````````````````````````
Funny Plurals In the English Language
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
```````````````````````````````````````````
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour
spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.
Sauce Unknown
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Friday got up to 70 degrees or more here. I think Winter is vacationing in the North this year.
Boo Hoo....
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I drove all the way out to Soper, but couldn't connect with the powers that be to get permission to hunt there.
Had a real nice drive though.
Next week I'm hiring a rainmaker.
He was referred to me by some fella named Noah.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
—Jack Benny
````````````````````````
Websites with Funny, But Clean Names (Slurls*)
childrenswear.co.uk - Naughty children!
childrenslaughter.com - Not funny!
choosespain.com - Will and Guy prefer Portugal.
goredforwomen.com - Painful reading.
icup.tv - Genuine hiccup.
newsnow.co.uk - No danger of an avalanche in England.
teacherstalk.com - Catch a coach?
wombeat.com - Strange place.
`````````````````````````
Silly English Grammar
Sought: Two strong, clean youths for sausages.
Wanted: Precast concrete man.
Need: Woman to run up curtains.
Wanted: A room by two gentlemen 30 feet long and 20 feet wide.
````````````````````
Five Funny English Mistakes
Butcher's sign: Try our sausages. None like them.
A tailor's guarantee: If the smallest hole appears after six months' wear, we will make another absolutely free.
Lost: A small pony belonging to a young lady with a silver mane and tail.
Barber's sign: Hair cut while you wait.
Lost: Wallet belonging to a young man made of calf skin
```````````````````
Five Further Funny Grammatical Errors
It takes many ingredients to make Burger King great but, the secret ingredient is our people.
Slow Children Crossing.
"Should Madonna be aloud to adopt again?"
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car." (Warning at a safari park).
```````````````````````````````
Funny Plurals In the English Language
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
```````````````````````````````````````````
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour
spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.
Sauce Unknown
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Friday got up to 70 degrees or more here. I think Winter is vacationing in the North this year.
Boo Hoo....
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I drove all the way out to Soper, but couldn't connect with the powers that be to get permission to hunt there.
Had a real nice drive though.
Next week I'm hiring a rainmaker.
He was referred to me by some fella named Noah.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
have a lovely day!!!
