Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Morning - 04/18/16 02:45 AM
Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
ROGER MILLER
``````````````````````````
Seen on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: The Dannemora fire department reminds you it’s fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan.”
``````````````````````````````
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”
“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.”
“Oh, yeah?” Let’s see it.” The cop looked at the license and then concluded, “Ma’am, there’s nothing special about this. It’s just a temporary license.”
“Look at the very bottom, though,” the woman insisted. “See? It says ‘Tear along the dotted line.'”
``````````````````````````````
Red Light
I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.
“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”
```````````````````````````
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
````````````````
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
````````````````````````````````
The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this appended to his note: “Nice swords.”
``````````````````````````````
While hosting a garage sale, I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
``````````````````````````````
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
````````````````````````````````
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
```````````````````````
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
````````````````````````````````
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
```````````````````````````````
An insurance agent called our medical office. One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
``````````````````````````````
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,” he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
```````````````````````
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
``````````````````````````````
Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
`````````````````````````````
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
``````````````````````````````````
My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”
He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I had my quote, and all these jokes copied and pasted, and was ready to make some comments, then my bird Pepper who was in the kitchen on the counter, got spooked and came flying into the living room and landed on the floor in front of my opened door.
Now I panicked and jumped up from the couch, trying to put my computer down on the coffee table, but I use a mouse because the left mouse button doesn't work right on the laptop, and it fell to the floor, and my foot kept getting caught on it.
Well I picked up my bird and then sat back down and picked up my laptop to continue, and I see that I'm no longer on line.
Can you say, "Start over dummy?"
Ok....So.....I did feel the rain all day AND, I got wet too.
Water water everywhere, and still more on the way tonight.
I'm not sure how much we got so far, but the one creek that I cross when driving to and from work was way above flood stage.
Now I just have to wait until Tuesday, and hope that things have quieted down weather-wise by then.
Santa Clause is coming to town.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
ROGER MILLER
``````````````````````````
Seen on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: The Dannemora fire department reminds you it’s fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan.”
``````````````````````````````
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”
“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.”
“Oh, yeah?” Let’s see it.” The cop looked at the license and then concluded, “Ma’am, there’s nothing special about this. It’s just a temporary license.”
“Look at the very bottom, though,” the woman insisted. “See? It says ‘Tear along the dotted line.'”
``````````````````````````````
Red Light
I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.
“No, I don’t need any help,” he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, “I just stopped for the red light.”
```````````````````````````
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
````````````````
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
````````````````````````````````
The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this appended to his note: “Nice swords.”
``````````````````````````````
While hosting a garage sale, I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
``````````````````````````````
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
````````````````````````````````
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
```````````````````````
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
````````````````````````````````
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
```````````````````````````````
An insurance agent called our medical office. One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
``````````````````````````````
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,” he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
```````````````````````
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
``````````````````````````````
Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
`````````````````````````````
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
``````````````````````````````````
My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”
He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”
``````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I had my quote, and all these jokes copied and pasted, and was ready to make some comments, then my bird Pepper who was in the kitchen on the counter, got spooked and came flying into the living room and landed on the floor in front of my opened door.
Now I panicked and jumped up from the couch, trying to put my computer down on the coffee table, but I use a mouse because the left mouse button doesn't work right on the laptop, and it fell to the floor, and my foot kept getting caught on it.
Well I picked up my bird and then sat back down and picked up my laptop to continue, and I see that I'm no longer on line.
Can you say, "Start over dummy?"
Ok....So.....I did feel the rain all day AND, I got wet too.
Water water everywhere, and still more on the way tonight.
I'm not sure how much we got so far, but the one creek that I cross when driving to and from work was way above flood stage.
Now I just have to wait until Tuesday, and hope that things have quieted down weather-wise by then.
Santa Clause is coming to town.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
It's just temporary, but at least it's something. 
