Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Morning - 04/19/16 04:04 AM
We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
CHARLES BUKOWSKI
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I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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Our Favorite Hashtags on Dating
#GeekPickupLines: My name’s Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?
@tillinghast (Mark Dryzcimski)
#RobotPickupLines: “You had me at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.”
@pound_hashtag
#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”
@menshumor
#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone
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Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
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Love Lost, Love Found On Craigslist
• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.” The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh …,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued, “I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”
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Realistic Romantic Comedies
• When Harry Met Sally and Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
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My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
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As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
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Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, it's February 14th.
```````````````````````````
Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”
```````````````````````````
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
````````````````````````````
As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”
````````````````````````
Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these @FirstDateHell dates.
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
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A Failure to Communicate
A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”
“Now, calm down,” says his father-in-law. “There must be a simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”
``````````````````````````````
Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in a Woody Allen movie.”
She got this response from Mia Farrow: “Tried that. Didn’t work.”
````````````````````````````
A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
“That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?”
He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.”
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Valentines Day!
I have a confession to make. I'm in love.
I'm in love with having free days, and today starts 3 free days.
I'm so in love I may marry and start a family with it.
.
We would be fruitful, and multiply, and have lots of little free days running around.
If we didn't have enough, then we would adopt.......dozens.
Or, I could retire all the way and have all my days free.....without the old ball and chain.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
CHARLES BUKOWSKI
`````````````````````
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
````````````````````````
Our Favorite Hashtags on Dating
#GeekPickupLines: My name’s Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?
@tillinghast (Mark Dryzcimski)
#RobotPickupLines: “You had me at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.”
@pound_hashtag
#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”
@menshumor
#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone
``````````````````````````````
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
```````````````````````````
Love Lost, Love Found On Craigslist
• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.” The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh …,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued, “I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”
```````````````````````````
Realistic Romantic Comedies
• When Harry Met Sally and Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
```````````````````````
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
``````````````````````````
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
````````````````````````````
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
```````````````````````````````
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, it's February 14th.
```````````````````````````
Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”
```````````````````````````
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
````````````````````````````
As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”
````````````````````````
Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these @FirstDateHell dates.
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
`````````````````````````````
A Failure to Communicate
A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”
“Now, calm down,” says his father-in-law. “There must be a simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”
``````````````````````````````
Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in a Woody Allen movie.”
She got this response from Mia Farrow: “Tried that. Didn’t work.”
````````````````````````````
A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
“That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?”
He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.”
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Valentines Day!
I have a confession to make. I'm in love.
I'm in love with having free days, and today starts 3 free days.
I'm so in love I may marry and start a family with it.
.
We would be fruitful, and multiply, and have lots of little free days running around.
If we didn't have enough, then we would adopt.......dozens.
Or, I could retire all the way and have all my days free.....without the old ball and chain.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and glad to hear you are enjoying your days off! Have a terrific Tuesday's!
