Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 05/05/16 04:07 AM
These big birthday parties my friends make for their kids. One of my friends had a surprise party for her child. He was one year old. We all snuck in around the crib, jumped up, and yelled, “Surprise!” He’s in therapy now.
RITA RUDNER
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A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
````````````````````````
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
```````````````````
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
``````````````````````
I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
```````````````````````
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
````````````````````````
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
``````````````````````````
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
Andy Kindler
`````````````````
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
`````````````````````
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke:
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
````````````````````````
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature."
````````````````````
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
````````````````````````
Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names …
Cats
Cleocatra
Bing Clawsby
Chairman Meow
Alexander the Grey
Dogs
Mary-Louise Barker
Bettie Poops
Virginia Woof
Iggy Pup
`````````````````````````
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That’s him," comes the reply.
"He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
``````````````````````
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
````````````````````````
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
``````````````````````````
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
`````````````````````````
Good morning ever boomer.
Today I sailed my ship too far West, and fell off the edge of the world.
It was the edge of the map.
I should have consulted Google maps first.
FOOLED YOU!
Actually my day was not nearly so exciting.
I got up and went to the creek, despite my common sense telling me my time would be better spent at home doing much needed chores.
I've never been very good with common sense.
I prefer uncommon sense.
I did find an arrowhead today that I've been looking for for seven years.
Pretty much any point that I find this year I've been looking for seven years.
Any point that I find next year I'll have been looking for eight years.
After I got back home from the creek, I had some lunch, cleaned up.......a little, and went to town to pick up the mattresses and box springs that I bought yesterday. I brought them home and got them in the house, and then immediately began running a test on them.
They work.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
RITA RUDNER
```````````````````````
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
````````````````````````
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
```````````````````
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
``````````````````````
I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
```````````````````````
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
````````````````````````
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
``````````````````````````
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
Andy Kindler
`````````````````
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
`````````````````````
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke:
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
````````````````````````
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature."
````````````````````
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
````````````````````````
Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names …
Cats
Cleocatra
Bing Clawsby
Chairman Meow
Alexander the Grey
Dogs
Mary-Louise Barker
Bettie Poops
Virginia Woof
Iggy Pup
`````````````````````````
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That’s him," comes the reply.
"He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
``````````````````````
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
````````````````````````
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
``````````````````````````
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
`````````````````````````
Good morning ever boomer.
Today I sailed my ship too far West, and fell off the edge of the world.
It was the edge of the map.
I should have consulted Google maps first.
FOOLED YOU!
Actually my day was not nearly so exciting.
I got up and went to the creek, despite my common sense telling me my time would be better spent at home doing much needed chores.
I've never been very good with common sense.
I prefer uncommon sense.
I did find an arrowhead today that I've been looking for for seven years.
Pretty much any point that I find this year I've been looking for seven years.
Any point that I find next year I'll have been looking for eight years.
After I got back home from the creek, I had some lunch, cleaned up.......a little, and went to town to pick up the mattresses and box springs that I bought yesterday. I brought them home and got them in the house, and then immediately began running a test on them.
They work.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Joe congrats on finding another arrowhead! Ana you're up late. Coffee and tea are ready. Hope everyone has a happy day! 
