Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 05/06/16 04:17 AM
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain.
VIVIAN GREENE
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A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
``````````````````````````
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
``````````````````````
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
``````````````````````````
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
`````````````````````
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
````````````````````````````
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
`````````````````````
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
`````````````````````````````````
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
```````````````````````
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
``````````````````````````````
On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.
“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”
``````````````````````````
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”
````````````````````````````
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”
Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”
````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Today I had very high drama in my life. I went over to one of our Southern Oklahoma mountain ranges to mountain climb, and at about 10,000 feet I had to jump sideways to avoid a rock slide. As I did, my boot lace got caught on a tree limb. A large boulder landed on my leg as I was laying there, and broke it.
It was very painful, and still is, as I still lay here.........still on the mountain side.
I'm typing this post on my phone.
Send help.
I really liked that corny dad joke. That's totally me. When I was on trips and my kids were little, we would pass a cemetery and I would say, "Boy people are dying to get in there." or "That's the last place I would ever want to go."
We would pass some farmer walking across his pasture and I'd say "That man is outstanding in his field."
We would see a bull in a pasture and I'd say, "Oh that's a bunch of bull!."
We would stop at a light behind a trailer with a horse in it, and I would say, "Now that's a real horse's ass."
I didn't make those up.
I got them from my dad.
Today was my last day of freedom for two days, and I made it count. I loaded up the girls, and headed to the truck wash. You know what I did there? I washed my truck. The girls didn't help. Then, I took the girls to the park, and we romped around for a while. Then I came back home, and spent two hours mowing and trimming the yard. The girls didn't help again. Then I took a much needed nap. So nice. Then I gave the girls both a bath, and the girls really didn't help. In fact they were a couple of pains, but they sure were happy when it was over and they were clean again.
I also managed to get a couple of loads of laundry done in there somewhere.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
VIVIAN GREENE
``````````````````````
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
``````````````````````````
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
``````````````````````
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
``````````````````````````
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
`````````````````````
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
````````````````````````````
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
`````````````````````
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
`````````````````````````````````
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
```````````````````````
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
``````````````````````````````
On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.
“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”
``````````````````````````
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”
````````````````````````````
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”
Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”
````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Today I had very high drama in my life. I went over to one of our Southern Oklahoma mountain ranges to mountain climb, and at about 10,000 feet I had to jump sideways to avoid a rock slide. As I did, my boot lace got caught on a tree limb. A large boulder landed on my leg as I was laying there, and broke it.
It was very painful, and still is, as I still lay here.........still on the mountain side.
I'm typing this post on my phone.
Send help.
I really liked that corny dad joke. That's totally me. When I was on trips and my kids were little, we would pass a cemetery and I would say, "Boy people are dying to get in there." or "That's the last place I would ever want to go."
We would pass some farmer walking across his pasture and I'd say "That man is outstanding in his field."
We would see a bull in a pasture and I'd say, "Oh that's a bunch of bull!."
We would stop at a light behind a trailer with a horse in it, and I would say, "Now that's a real horse's ass."
I didn't make those up.
I got them from my dad.
Today was my last day of freedom for two days, and I made it count. I loaded up the girls, and headed to the truck wash. You know what I did there? I washed my truck. The girls didn't help. Then, I took the girls to the park, and we romped around for a while. Then I came back home, and spent two hours mowing and trimming the yard. The girls didn't help again. Then I took a much needed nap. So nice. Then I gave the girls both a bath, and the girls really didn't help. In fact they were a couple of pains, but they sure were happy when it was over and they were clean again.
I also managed to get a couple of loads of laundry done in there somewhere.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
He is just such a character. 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, and all. Joe like father like son! Ana he's adorable! Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing everyone a happy day! 
Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!
looney