Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip and Surf Sunday - 05/15/16 03:16 AM
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.
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Swimming is Confusing…
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
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Lunchtime MVP
Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
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The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.
—Julian McCullough
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Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
—Craig Ferguson
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During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
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“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
—Matt Kirshen
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I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
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When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, “Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!” After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. “Oh, I get it — Pat Hogan!”
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The reason women don’t play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave him his business card and told him to stop by for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and handed it to him.
The Democrat was impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided it was his turn to help. So he reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless man $50.
`````````````````````
In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service, Courage, and Commitment where players’ names would normally go. During the game against the University of Florida, a fight broke out, prompting the television commentator to announce, "It looked like Integrity threw the first punch."
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While I was working security at a football game, a fan spilled beer on a cheerleader’s pop-poms. As a favor, I rinsed them off in the men’s room. As I shook off the water, someone came out of a stall. Stunned, he announced, "That’s the first time anyone’s cheered me on while going to the bathroom."
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Defensive Driving
I’m not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.
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One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's the weekend part 2, and I'm feeling kinda tired and lazy......but......it's very cool this weekend, and rain is coming, so I will at least get out there and mow my yard. It's getting pretty deep. My little dog has to jump up and clear the grass to see where she is.
I think that's my first ever 'lazy but' statement.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.
`````````````````````
Swimming is Confusing…
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
```````````````````````
Lunchtime MVP
Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
````````````````````````
The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.
—Julian McCullough
`````````````````````
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
—Craig Ferguson
``````````````````````
During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
`````````````````````````
“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
—Matt Kirshen
```````````````````````
I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
``````````````````
When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, “Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!” After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. “Oh, I get it — Pat Hogan!”
``````````````````````
The reason women don’t play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
````````````````````````
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave him his business card and told him to stop by for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and handed it to him.
The Democrat was impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided it was his turn to help. So he reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless man $50.
`````````````````````
In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players’ jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service, Courage, and Commitment where players’ names would normally go. During the game against the University of Florida, a fight broke out, prompting the television commentator to announce, "It looked like Integrity threw the first punch."
```````````````````````
While I was working security at a football game, a fan spilled beer on a cheerleader’s pop-poms. As a favor, I rinsed them off in the men’s room. As I shook off the water, someone came out of a stall. Stunned, he announced, "That’s the first time anyone’s cheered me on while going to the bathroom."
````````````````````````
Defensive Driving
I’m not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.
````````````````````````
One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.
````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's the weekend part 2, and I'm feeling kinda tired and lazy......but......it's very cool this weekend, and rain is coming, so I will at least get out there and mow my yard. It's getting pretty deep. My little dog has to jump up and clear the grass to see where she is.
I think that's my first ever 'lazy but' statement.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe