Posted By: gymcandy1
Magnificent Monday - 05/16/16 03:47 AM
GEORGE HERBERT
He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass.
```````````````````````
I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in.
"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don’t even cook."
Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch football?"
```````````````````````````
Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the ninth tee."
"Oh, that’s awful!" she says.
"You’re not kidding," says Fred. "For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry …"
```````````````````````````````
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
"No," he replies. "I used to bring my wife to all the games, but since her death, I come alone."
"Why don’t you invite a friend?"
"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."
```````````````````````````
When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t. "Do you know what season it is?" He thought a moment. "Baseball?"
```````````````````````````
1. Petty Theft
Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from Central High School.” But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to “Central High School 4th String.”
— Hal Olsen
2. Sports and Poetry
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband’s co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
“I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said.
“Which one?” she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”
— Sandra J. Yarbrough
3. Praying for Overtime
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our grandson, Nick, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”
— Evelyn Bredleau
4. Calling the Coach
As a high school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. “Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” the coach’s wife told him. “What’s your number?”
The flustered kid replied, “Forty two."
— Allan Floyd
5. Football Makes Sense
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!”
— Melissa Jones
`````````````````````````
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered.
"I was on West Point’s shooting team."
"That’s great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"
```````````````````````````
Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, "Don’t you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?"
"I think," one of them said, "we should be down there playing for our team."
````````````````````````
I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 14–0. Then one batter finally smacked the ball.
"Oh no," the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter."
``````````````````````````
As a Catholic, I’m partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State.
"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.
"Gee, I don’t know," I replied. "I’m kind of torn between Church and State."
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
So what's going on today? Anything good?
I'm off again today, so I'm up to no good.
Yesterday I cut the grass, and cut my hair. I also ran the weedeater to trim it all up.......around my ears.
Speaking of hair, Baby is shedding her Winter coat, and it's everywhere, so I was using the vacuum cleaner to try and suck it all up, and Baby did not like that one bit.
She's so touchy.
Pepper likes it even less.
I haven't tried it on the little one yet.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass.
```````````````````````
I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in.
"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don’t even cook."
Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch football?"
```````````````````````````
Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the ninth tee."
"Oh, that’s awful!" she says.
"You’re not kidding," says Fred. "For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry …"
```````````````````````````````
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
"No," he replies. "I used to bring my wife to all the games, but since her death, I come alone."
"Why don’t you invite a friend?"
"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."
```````````````````````````
When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t. "Do you know what season it is?" He thought a moment. "Baseball?"
```````````````````````````
1. Petty Theft
Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from Central High School.” But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to “Central High School 4th String.”
— Hal Olsen
2. Sports and Poetry
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband’s co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
“I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said.
“Which one?” she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”
— Sandra J. Yarbrough
3. Praying for Overtime
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our grandson, Nick, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”
— Evelyn Bredleau
4. Calling the Coach
As a high school football coach, I’m aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. “Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home,” the coach’s wife told him. “What’s your number?”
The flustered kid replied, “Forty two."
— Allan Floyd
5. Football Makes Sense
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, Hello-o-o? It’s only 25 cents!”
— Melissa Jones
`````````````````````````
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered.
"I was on West Point’s shooting team."
"That’s great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"
```````````````````````````
Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn’t help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, "Don’t you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?"
"I think," one of them said, "we should be down there playing for our team."
````````````````````````
I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 14–0. Then one batter finally smacked the ball.
"Oh no," the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter."
``````````````````````````
As a Catholic, I’m partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State.
"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.
"Gee, I don’t know," I replied. "I’m kind of torn between Church and State."
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
So what's going on today? Anything good?
I'm off again today, so I'm up to no good.
Yesterday I cut the grass, and cut my hair. I also ran the weedeater to trim it all up.......around my ears.
Speaking of hair, Baby is shedding her Winter coat, and it's everywhere, so I was using the vacuum cleaner to try and suck it all up, and Baby did not like that one bit.
She's so touchy.
Pepper likes it even less.
I haven't tried it on the little one yet.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
