Posted By: gymcandy1
Memorial Monday Diner - 05/30/16 03:51 AM
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
ELAYNE BOOSLER
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A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
```````````````````````````
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
`````````````````````````````
His And Hers Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses you.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary.
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside..
And of course you're still lost.
`````````````````````````````````
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, are they Midgie? but most men are gullible.
```````````````````````````````
Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
``````````````````````````````
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
````````````````````````````````
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Memorial Day!
It's a nuther Happy Memorial Day that I'm working, but that's ok I'll be off the next four days.
My back is still horrible, but it's way less horrible than yesterday. I made it through my whole work day, and that was a pretty darned active day.
I think I'll live, just don't ask me to do the twist with you.
I hope you're all enjoying your weekend, and have a super happy day.
Be sure and hug a Vet today, and remember those lost while serving.
joe
ELAYNE BOOSLER
`````````````````````````````````
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
```````````````````````````
Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
`````````````````````````````
His And Hers Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses you.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary.
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside..
And of course you're still lost.
`````````````````````````````````
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, are they Midgie? but most men are gullible.
```````````````````````````````
Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
``````````````````````````````
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
````````````````````````````````
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Memorial Day!
It's a nuther Happy Memorial Day that I'm working, but that's ok I'll be off the next four days.
My back is still horrible, but it's way less horrible than yesterday. I made it through my whole work day, and that was a pretty darned active day.
I think I'll live, just don't ask me to do the twist with you.
I hope you're all enjoying your weekend, and have a super happy day.
Be sure and hug a Vet today, and remember those lost while serving.
joe
Good for you. You'll finally have a chance to relax, and hopefully give your back some time to heal. Enjoy your four days off! 
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and hope your workday today goes easy peasy! Happy Memorial Monday Diner!
Do you do yoga stretches? Those always help son when his back is evil. 
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