Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 06/21/16 11:21 PM
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
DOUG LARSON
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My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.
“Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ”
`````````````````````````````````
A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her.
“That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.”
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What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
``````````````````````````````
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
``````````````````````````
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
`````````````````````````````
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
````````````````````````
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.
“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.
“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”
```````````````````````````````
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”
`````````````````````````````````
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.
`````````````````````````
Confessions of a Military Wife
My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
`````````````````````````
This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
`````````````````````````
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
```````````````````````
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
```````````````````````````
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”
``````````````````````````
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
``````````````````````````````````
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
```````````````````````````
After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”
````````````````````````
Dating is complicated. You don’t believe us? Here are some examples:
Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep.
My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.
I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's been about a year since I had to pull an early shift.
At least it seems that long ago.
My next two work days start at 5:00am.
It has been quite a while. My department manager is on vacation this week, and that's why they have me opening.
I thought maybe they were tired of seeing my sunny smile at 5:00am.
A lot of those guys are not morning people.
I live to get up at 3:30am.
Well, with a schedule of 5:00 to 1:00, even the Summer solstice is a very short day.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
DOUG LARSON
```````````````````````````````
My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.
“Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ”
`````````````````````````````````
A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her.
“That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.”
``````````````````````````````````````
What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
``````````````````````````````
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
``````````````````````````
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
`````````````````````````````
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
````````````````````````
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.
“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.
“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”
```````````````````````````````
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”
`````````````````````````````````
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.
`````````````````````````
Confessions of a Military Wife
My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
`````````````````````````
This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”
`````````````````````````
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
```````````````````````
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
```````````````````````````
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”
``````````````````````````
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
``````````````````````````````````
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
```````````````````````````
After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”
````````````````````````
Dating is complicated. You don’t believe us? Here are some examples:
Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep.
My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.
I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's been about a year since I had to pull an early shift.
At least it seems that long ago.
My next two work days start at 5:00am.
It has been quite a while. My department manager is on vacation this week, and that's why they have me opening.
I thought maybe they were tired of seeing my sunny smile at 5:00am.
A lot of those guys are not morning people.
I live to get up at 3:30am.
Well, with a schedule of 5:00 to 1:00, even the Summer solstice is a very short day.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Space, Sorta and everyone. Joe hope your work day flies by! Ana good luck at the doctor. Space enjoy your day. Sorta I've been following the fires in the southwest too. Hope they get them under control soon. Coffee and tea are ready Wishing you all a peaceful day! 
Boys are supposed to go home this morning. We shall see. If they do, I'm going to try to get a vet appt with my favorite vet to get the rest of Keoki's stitches out. I have to check the back of the van first though. I think there is a ramp in there that I forgot about that I could use to get him in and out at home, and the vet techs will load and unload at the vets. We shall see. He may not have any open slots. 
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your early day goes easy peasy! Happy Hump Day!
