Posted By: gymcandy1
Thumpin Thursday - 06/22/16 10:36 PM
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT
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Hey everybody. Stop me if you've heard these.
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Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
``````````````````````
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
``````````````````````````
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
``````````````````````````
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”
``````````````````````````
As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on body-part identification and the k sound. To that end, I had him use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of me.
“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.
“No, that’s your other chin.”
``````````````````````
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
yes
`````````````````````````````
It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
````````````````````````````
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”
`````````````````````````
While hosting a garage sale, I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
```````````````````````````````
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com
`````````````````````````````
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
```````````````````````````````````
I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?”
“Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”
````````````````````````````
Asked to pick the worst year ever, film director Peter Segal chose 1848, “the year gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill. Until then, you could find a nice piece of land in California, pitch your tent, and call it home. The housing market here has been a living hell ever since.”
``````````````````````````````
I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told her I didn’t.
As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!”
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
One early day down, one more loaded and ready to launch.
I'm gonna get this little diner on the corner open, and see if I have time enough left......or right, to do a little gaming before bedtime.
Gail the thing about getting off at 1:00 and having the whole day to myself is that if you have to be at work again the same time tomorrow, it's no different than any other day. I have to get to bed early if I'm going to get my tiny hiney up at 3:00am again.
I rush home and take the doggies out for a very hot walk, didn't phase them one one bit, then I fixed dinner and ate it, then I got my shower, and here I am.
Now....after work tomorrow (Thursday), I'll be off Friday, so I don't have to rush anywhere except to get home. I'm always in a hurry to get home.
My screen keeps going black on this computer. I'm typing along and look up and the screen is black. I have to push the on button a couple of times to get back to my log in screen.
I'm not losing my post because it doesn't shut down, but it sure is annoying, and Ana or Mag, please don't move this post to glitches ok?
Ok I'm outta here. Have a happy day everyone.
joe
STEVEN WRIGHT
```````````````````````````
Hey everybody. Stop me if you've heard these.
``````````````````
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
``````````````````````
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
``````````````````````````
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”
``````````````````````````
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”
``````````````````````````
As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on body-part identification and the k sound. To that end, I had him use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of me.
“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.
“No, that’s your other chin.”
``````````````````````
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
yes
`````````````````````````````
It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
````````````````````````````
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”
`````````````````````````
While hosting a garage sale, I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
```````````````````````````````
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com
`````````````````````````````
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
```````````````````````````````````
I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?”
“Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”
````````````````````````````
Asked to pick the worst year ever, film director Peter Segal chose 1848, “the year gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill. Until then, you could find a nice piece of land in California, pitch your tent, and call it home. The housing market here has been a living hell ever since.”
``````````````````````````````
I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told her I didn’t.
As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!”
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
One early day down, one more loaded and ready to launch.
I'm gonna get this little diner on the corner open, and see if I have time enough left......or right, to do a little gaming before bedtime.
Gail the thing about getting off at 1:00 and having the whole day to myself is that if you have to be at work again the same time tomorrow, it's no different than any other day. I have to get to bed early if I'm going to get my tiny hiney up at 3:00am again.
I rush home and take the doggies out for a very hot walk, didn't phase them one one bit, then I fixed dinner and ate it, then I got my shower, and here I am.
Now....after work tomorrow (Thursday), I'll be off Friday, so I don't have to rush anywhere except to get home. I'm always in a hurry to get home.
My screen keeps going black on this computer. I'm typing along and look up and the screen is black. I have to push the on button a couple of times to get back to my log in screen.
I'm not losing my post because it doesn't shut down, but it sure is annoying, and Ana or Mag, please don't move this post to glitches ok?
Ok I'm outta here. Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I'm so sorry to hear about your computer Joe. It isn't very old, is it?
At least Ana won't move your post to Glitches, so that's something. 
