Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 06/24/16 04:13 AM
I never took a day off in my twenties. Not one.
BILL GATES
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A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
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Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”
```````````````````````
The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
• The 100 Worst Senators
• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan
````````````````````
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
```````````````````````
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Source: 11points.com
```````````````````````````
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
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Heading Off Criticism
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
``````````````````````````````
File These Headlines Under: We Don’t Even Want to Know.
•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker
•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant
•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby
`````````````````````````````
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
```````````````````````````
Department of (Ridiculous) Corrections
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the importance of punctuation: “Top stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
`````````````````````````````````````
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
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Good morning everyboomie.
Well there you go. Another diner served up only a few hours old and lukewarm.
It's fittingly from someone who is way more than a few hours old, but just as lukewarm.
That's ok though because I heat up fast real when I go outside in this heat, but then that's NOT ok, because I'd rather be lukewarm than so hot I'm about to blow my stack.
I like my stack the way it is.
It's snow white, which serves to temper my firey.........temper.
If I'm making any sense, then this your lucky day.
My senility seems to come and go lately, much like my senility.
Have a happy day everyone.
I'M OFF!
I'm also off to bed.
joe
BILL GATES
```````````````````````
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
``````````````````````````````
Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”
```````````````````````
The Best of The Onion Magazine Covers
• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
• The 100 Worst Senators
• The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan
````````````````````
“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.”
```````````````````````
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Source: 11points.com
```````````````````````````
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
`````````````````````````
Heading Off Criticism
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
``````````````````````````````
File These Headlines Under: We Don’t Even Want to Know.
•Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker
•FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant
•Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
•Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby
`````````````````````````````
A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.”
```````````````````````````
Department of (Ridiculous) Corrections
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the importance of punctuation: “Top stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
`````````````````````````````````````
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
`````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well there you go. Another diner served up only a few hours old and lukewarm.
It's fittingly from someone who is way more than a few hours old, but just as lukewarm.
That's ok though because I heat up fast real when I go outside in this heat, but then that's NOT ok, because I'd rather be lukewarm than so hot I'm about to blow my stack.
I like my stack the way it is.
It's snow white, which serves to temper my firey.........temper.
If I'm making any sense, then this your lucky day.
My senility seems to come and go lately, much like my senility.
Have a happy day everyone.
I'M OFF!
I'm also off to bed.
joe