Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 07/05/16 02:49 AM
INGRID BERGMAN
Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get.
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A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer.
Client: Can you make a color copy?
Me: Do you have the original?
Client: No. Just this one.
Me: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version.
Client (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier?
—From clientsfromhell.net
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Passive-Aggressive Notes Left for Noisy Neighbors:
• “Hi. Just thought you might like to know that I think your pet elephants have been bowling while you’re out. —Your Downstairs Neighbor.”
• “Good morning! We hope your exorcism was successful last night. We do ask as a courtesy that you limit expelling demons to Friday or Saturday nights. Thank you in advance.”
• “Dear Neighbor, Your car’s sound system is amazing. It is so loud and the bass is so rockin’ that it actually shakes all the apartment buildings in the complex. Awesome!”
—Source: thepoke.co.uk
`````````````````````````````````
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke:
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
```````````````````````````
Add Word, Ruin Movie
It doesn’t take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as:
• The Girl with the Washable Dragon Tattoo
• Game of Porcelain Thrones
• The KFC Bucket List
—From twitter.com/ruinmoviee
``````````````````````
A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”
The driver said, “You buyin’?”
`````````````````````````````````
On February 4, we’ll celebrate ten years of people posting unintentionally funny status updates from their office cubicles when they should be working. Here are some of the crazier ones:
• STATUS: My baby boy is officially one year old!!!! Can’t believe it’s already been 656 days!
• STATUS: Craving food I don’t have. My first world problem this morning.
COMMENT: Well, it’s kind of a third world problem too.
• STATUS: I think about him 31/7 cause he’s on my mind even when I’m sleeping.
COMMENT: There’s still 24 hours in a day when you’re sleeping.
STATUS: Wait, huh?
• STATUS: Dear Facebook, Thanks for informing me it’s my wife’s birthday today. Do you know what would be more useful?!?! Some kind of warning system … i.e., notification that it’s her birthday in a few days!
—From lamebook.com
`````````````````````````````````
A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in my gold Mercedes because all my teachers travel by subway.”
A few minutes later, his dad writes back: “Stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a subway too!”
```````````````````
A surveyor drops by Will’s farm in eastern Minnesota and announces that he has some bad news. “I discovered that your farm isn’t in Minnesota,” he says. “It’s actually in Wisconsin.”
Will lets out a sigh of relief. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time,” he says. “I was just telling my wife this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm sitting here watching fireworks, on Star Wars Force Awakens.
I hope you all had a grand old 4th.
I took the dogs to the park early, and then in-between my many naps I managed to wash most of my dirty clothes.
I also managed to walk 2 miles on the treadmill.
I'm not limber enough to pat myself on the back. I have to do it metaphorically.
There's nothing like feeling like a hamster.....that owns two dogs and a bird.
Have a happy Tuesday everyone.
joe
Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get.
``````````````````
A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer.
Client: Can you make a color copy?
Me: Do you have the original?
Client: No. Just this one.
Me: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version.
Client (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier?
—From clientsfromhell.net
````````````````````````````````
Passive-Aggressive Notes Left for Noisy Neighbors:
• “Hi. Just thought you might like to know that I think your pet elephants have been bowling while you’re out. —Your Downstairs Neighbor.”
• “Good morning! We hope your exorcism was successful last night. We do ask as a courtesy that you limit expelling demons to Friday or Saturday nights. Thank you in advance.”
• “Dear Neighbor, Your car’s sound system is amazing. It is so loud and the bass is so rockin’ that it actually shakes all the apartment buildings in the complex. Awesome!”
—Source: thepoke.co.uk
`````````````````````````````````
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke:
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
```````````````````````````
Add Word, Ruin Movie
It doesn’t take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as:
• The Girl with the Washable Dragon Tattoo
• Game of Porcelain Thrones
• The KFC Bucket List
—From twitter.com/ruinmoviee
``````````````````````
A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?”
The driver said, “You buyin’?”
`````````````````````````````````
On February 4, we’ll celebrate ten years of people posting unintentionally funny status updates from their office cubicles when they should be working. Here are some of the crazier ones:
• STATUS: My baby boy is officially one year old!!!! Can’t believe it’s already been 656 days!
• STATUS: Craving food I don’t have. My first world problem this morning.
COMMENT: Well, it’s kind of a third world problem too.
• STATUS: I think about him 31/7 cause he’s on my mind even when I’m sleeping.
COMMENT: There’s still 24 hours in a day when you’re sleeping.
STATUS: Wait, huh?
• STATUS: Dear Facebook, Thanks for informing me it’s my wife’s birthday today. Do you know what would be more useful?!?! Some kind of warning system … i.e., notification that it’s her birthday in a few days!
—From lamebook.com
`````````````````````````````````
A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in my gold Mercedes because all my teachers travel by subway.”
A few minutes later, his dad writes back: “Stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a subway too!”
```````````````````
A surveyor drops by Will’s farm in eastern Minnesota and announces that he has some bad news. “I discovered that your farm isn’t in Minnesota,” he says. “It’s actually in Wisconsin.”
Will lets out a sigh of relief. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time,” he says. “I was just telling my wife this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”
``````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm sitting here watching fireworks, on Star Wars Force Awakens.
I hope you all had a grand old 4th.
I took the dogs to the park early, and then in-between my many naps I managed to wash most of my dirty clothes.
I also managed to walk 2 miles on the treadmill.
I'm not limber enough to pat myself on the back. I have to do it metaphorically.
There's nothing like feeling like a hamster.....that owns two dogs and a bird.
Have a happy Tuesday everyone.
joe
Joe - you did a good job of laundry and doing 2 miles. Seriously - 
to one and all. Have a happy DAY!
Hope I can sleep, since so many are setting off fireworks here in the apartment complex. 
Yes, it is good it's a short week. 
