Monday

EDEN PHILLPOTTS

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

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What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

3. OK, first shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.

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Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

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Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed 
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a 
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut

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Strapped For Cash
During college, I worked on 
a conveyor belt. One day, I was 
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.

With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”

Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada

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Bad Things to Tell Your Wife

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live 
pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

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Lying in Bed

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”

“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.

“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”

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Dating a Hoarder

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.

Sam Morril

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Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Jones. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

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This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:

“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”

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It's A Small World…

I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”

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A Familiar Patient
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. “Not again …”

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Good morning everyboomie.


If it's Monday, then this has to be my next to last work day.................EVER!.


Unless and until I'm out of money, deeply in debt, and have no relatives left on this earth who are willing to support me, or at least loan me large sums of money.


This sure as heck ain't Margaritaville, but I am perfectly willing to waist away here, if I have sufficient Margarita mix, Imodium, and Extra Strength Excedrin on hand.


Ok then, back to reality, and the subject at hand, Monday, worky worky.


It's not an early day, but early enough. I'm going to bed.


Please don't wake me unless I've won the lottery, or PCH.


Have a happy day everyone.


Nice to see you in the diner Thorsgoats.


joe

Joe Enjoy your next to last one!

Have a nice Monday to one and all.

Have a terrific day Joe, MaG and all who follow.

It's late Sunday night here, and I'm off to sleep (too late, as usual ) for another work day tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a great Monday.

Happy 2nd to the last day joe!

MaG

Venus, have a great day!

Hope you all have a happy day! I'll be headed to Moab for a couple days to hike and climb.

Ana

Good Morning Joe, MaG, venus, Ana and all. Joe the last count down begins! MaG nice to see you in the diner! Venus don't work to hard. Ana have a fun day. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a cool day! It's a day off for the Tour De France! Enjoy your day everyone!

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, you crack me up!

MaG, happy day wishes to you.

Ana, have fun!

Venus, enjoy work today.

Gerry, coffee please and thank you.

A walk with Nina this morning. A fun day planned for today as granddaughter had a sleepover here.

Good morning everyone. I finally got a morning off. Wow, I guess I really needed one off. Hi Gail . Hey MaG. Hi Ana, Gerry, venus, and everyone who comes through the diner door today. Joe I bet your puppies and your birdie are in for a treat.....having you home in the morning after tomorrow.

Midgie

Hi Joe, you forgot Lactaid, Gas-X and Beano. All staples of the retired life.

Way too quiet around here. Something is bound to happen. I feel it in my bones.

OH and good news on the 'smoky neighbor caper'. After the police talked to them about the OPEN bonfire where they were burning huge piles of cut tree limbs, etc., my friend/tenant, who called the police in the first place got a voice message on his phone. It was from the officer who responded and he thanked him for calling, said he spoke to the 'gentleman' with the illegal fire in his driveway, and said the guy had 'agreed' to dispose of his yard waste in other ways. Ha. How nice. First time ever we got a 'follow-up' report from a police call. Wow! Usually you never find out what happened. And by talking to the neighbors who live directly next door to that offender, we found it was the 'compound' extended family that was doing the burning, not the nice single mom with 3 kids and 2 dogs and a cat. Couldn't figure how she would do it anyway.

Also, the compound people are in a major building mode. Truckloads of cement paving blocks and other stuff have been going in there for 3 weeks now. Not sure what they are doing but it's BIG.

Waiting for something to happen to liven up a boring day.

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and congrats on your retirement! Have a happy Monday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, off to see what's afoot!

Good afternoon Boomers.

Thank you, gymcandy.

I had to take my car to the service station today to get it worked on. They won't be able to work on it until tomorrow, so venus will have to take me to work in the morning. My only comfort is that there are still games to be played with items that you can steal to put in your pockets, sometimes even ladders. If only games were reality, we could do all kinds of fantastical things.

As Thorsgoats said, I have to take him to work in the morning. Also, I have to get up at 2 in the morning, since my company wants these blitzes finished by 7:30 am, and I have to go to 2 stores. I swear, they just keep getting crazier. The only good thing about this is that I'll get off nice and early.

All right, off to sleep early, even though the sun's still out. Good night, everyone.

Good night Boomers.