Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday - 07/18/16 03:23 AM
You’ve gotta’ dance like there’s nobody watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth.
WILLIAM WATSON PURKEY
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My Son’s #1 Concern
When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
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A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run over it.”
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Smooth Operator
Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor.
Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their lawyers that you are responsible for my patients’ deaths because I couldn’t be reached.
Operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician.
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A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”
“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”
Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
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The Cruelest Cut
After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”
“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
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Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
`````````````````````````````
When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.
“Has your address changed?” she asked.
“No,” I answered.
“Your phone number?”
“No.”
“What about your birthday?”
"You'll have to ask my mom."
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Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
````````````````````````````
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
``````````````````````````````
My mother has tried her hand at several careers, some even concurrently. Imagine the surprise of both a hospital patient and my mom when the patient awoke after surgery and, upon seeing who her nurse’s aide was, yelled, "What are you doing? You’re the woman who helped me pick out interior paint colors!"
``````````````````````````
When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don’t know. I’m not good with math."
```````````````````````````
It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."
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Good morning once again everyboomie.
Welcome to the new week!
As far as my old job goes, this is only my second day of retirement.
I have to say, getting old stinks, and I don't like it, but it does have it's perks.
I'm not to the point where I can pass gas, and not give a toot who hears it, but I am digging retirement so far.
I can't imagine that'll change any time soon.
There are a lot of guys working at Lowe's now who were retired but they came back to work out of boredom, or maybe financial need who knows?
Read my lips. Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent.
Famous last words huh?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
WILLIAM WATSON PURKEY
`````````````````````````````
My Son’s #1 Concern
When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
````````````````````````
A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run over it.”
```````````````````````````
Smooth Operator
Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor.
Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their lawyers that you are responsible for my patients’ deaths because I couldn’t be reached.
Operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician.
`````````````````````````
A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”
“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”
Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
`````````````````````````````
The Cruelest Cut
After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”
“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
```````````````````````````
Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
`````````````````````````````
When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.
“Has your address changed?” she asked.
“No,” I answered.
“Your phone number?”
“No.”
“What about your birthday?”
"You'll have to ask my mom."
```````````````````````````
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
````````````````````````````
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
``````````````````````````````
My mother has tried her hand at several careers, some even concurrently. Imagine the surprise of both a hospital patient and my mom when the patient awoke after surgery and, upon seeing who her nurse’s aide was, yelled, "What are you doing? You’re the woman who helped me pick out interior paint colors!"
``````````````````````````
When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don’t know. I’m not good with math."
```````````````````````````
It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."
``````````````````````````
Good morning once again everyboomie.
Welcome to the new week!
As far as my old job goes, this is only my second day of retirement.
I have to say, getting old stinks, and I don't like it, but it does have it's perks.
I'm not to the point where I can pass gas, and not give a toot who hears it, but I am digging retirement so far.
I can't imagine that'll change any time soon.
There are a lot of guys working at Lowe's now who were retired but they came back to work out of boredom, or maybe financial need who knows?
Read my lips. Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent.
Famous last words huh?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Nan! Congratulations!
Nan Congrats
