Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 08/09/16 03:56 AM
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
MILTON BERLE
`````````````````````````
During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him.
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered. "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
`````````
Four students walked in halfway through the American history test my father was giving at the local community college. "Sorry," they said, "we had a flat tire."
An understanding man, Dad said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, he would give them each an "A" for the exam. The students agreed. So my father handed each one a piece of paper, placed them in four separate corners and said, "Write down which tire was flat."
`````````````````````
At the beginning of my junior year at Russellville High School in Arkansas, our homeroom teacher had us fill out a form stating our future goals. Out of curiosity, I leaned over to see what my friend put down for her aspirations.
Where it read "Vocational Plans," she had written, "Florida."
````````````````````````````````````````````````
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly." After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she’ll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on ‘Fear Factor.’"
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
```````````````````````````````````````````
Parents are justifiably upset when their children don’t get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D’s, I explained that her daughter just wasn’t as "competitive" as the admitted class. "Why doesn’t she try another school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed Mom. "Have you seen her grades?"
``````````````````
Did you hear about the college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck? He was grading papers on a curve.
```````````````````````````````````
As a fund-raiser, the chemistry club designed and sold T-shirts. Written across the front were our top "Stupid Chemistry Sayings":
• Have yourself a Merry Little Bismuth
• What do you do with dead people? Barium
• You stupid boron!
• We hope your year is very phosphorous.
``````````````````````````
My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I’m not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $5,000 in it."
``````````````````````
Shortly after my son started college, the president of the university had an assembly for the new students. "Welcome to Johns Hopkins," he began, "And please note that it’s Johns, not John."
Then he told how one of his predecessors, Milton Eisenhower, had been invited to talk at the University of Pittsburgh. After he was introduced as the president of "John Hopkins," Eisenhower said, "Thank you. It’s great to be in Pittburgh."
````````````````````````````````````
Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver. Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command. The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.
The topic? "Save Our Trees."
``````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to.......
......the next one. 
I'm more that just a little peeved at my computer, and internet tonight.
Just changing tabs requires a 5 second wait.
It's probably more my ISP.
Now if this thing were as old as I am, I could understand it moving so slow.
Ok it took me half a minute to go get that last smiley, I'm outta here.
Good thing I don't have to use this computer for an alarm clock.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
MILTON BERLE
`````````````````````````
During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him.
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered. "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
`````````
Four students walked in halfway through the American history test my father was giving at the local community college. "Sorry," they said, "we had a flat tire."
An understanding man, Dad said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, he would give them each an "A" for the exam. The students agreed. So my father handed each one a piece of paper, placed them in four separate corners and said, "Write down which tire was flat."
`````````````````````
At the beginning of my junior year at Russellville High School in Arkansas, our homeroom teacher had us fill out a form stating our future goals. Out of curiosity, I leaned over to see what my friend put down for her aspirations.
Where it read "Vocational Plans," she had written, "Florida."
````````````````````````````````````````````````
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly." After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she’ll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on ‘Fear Factor.’"
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
```````````````````````````````````````````
Parents are justifiably upset when their children don’t get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D’s, I explained that her daughter just wasn’t as "competitive" as the admitted class. "Why doesn’t she try another school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed Mom. "Have you seen her grades?"
``````````````````
Did you hear about the college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck? He was grading papers on a curve.
```````````````````````````````````
As a fund-raiser, the chemistry club designed and sold T-shirts. Written across the front were our top "Stupid Chemistry Sayings":
• Have yourself a Merry Little Bismuth
• What do you do with dead people? Barium
• You stupid boron!
• We hope your year is very phosphorous.
``````````````````````````
My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I’m not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $5,000 in it."
``````````````````````
Shortly after my son started college, the president of the university had an assembly for the new students. "Welcome to Johns Hopkins," he began, "And please note that it’s Johns, not John."
Then he told how one of his predecessors, Milton Eisenhower, had been invited to talk at the University of Pittsburgh. After he was introduced as the president of "John Hopkins," Eisenhower said, "Thank you. It’s great to be in Pittburgh."
````````````````````````````````````
Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver. Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command. The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.
The topic? "Save Our Trees."
``````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to.......
......the next one. I'm more that just a little peeved at my computer, and internet tonight.
Just changing tabs requires a 5 second wait.
It's probably more my ISP.
Now if this thing were as old as I am, I could understand it moving so slow.
Ok it took me half a minute to go get that last smiley, I'm outta here.
Good thing I don't have to use this computer for an alarm clock.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Have a great day Ana! 
Coffee, tea, and iced tea are ready! Wishing everyone a smiley day! 
