Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 08/13/16 04:31 AM
People who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
ROB SILTANEN
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Not The Smartest Sports FanS
After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”
“What’s your word?” the host replied.
“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller.
`````````````````
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
````````````````````
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
`````````````````````
Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
Source: Overheard in the RADIO Newsroom
``````````````````
When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
```````````````````
Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
… to be a Nobel Prize winner.
… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
… he was fired “on accident.”
From careerbuilder.com
````````````````````````
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon.
`````````````````````````
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
`````````````````
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. “I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
``````````````````
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
Ellen Israel, Alamo, California
```````````````````
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”
`````````````````````
Workplace Tips for Bond Villains
The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain.
• I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.
• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.
```````````````````````
Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for his acts of true kindness and selfishness.”
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time understanding and interrupting his movement.”
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin
```````````````````````
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
`````````````````
Easier Said Than Done
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
From clientsfromhell.net
````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I'm coming to you today from the end of the world.
The rear end.
When I first looked at the weather report for this weekend, it said it was going to be 84 degrees on Saturday, and 80 on Sunday. Yesterday morning it said it would be 88 on Sat and 84 on Sunday. Now, (Fri night), it says we'll be 91 Sat. and 85 Sunday. That's still a far sight better than the 103 we had Friday and all the days of the last month.
THAT my friends, is the smell of Fall in the air.
Our little front today brought the winds of change.
Now the tongue of wisdom says it's time for bed.
I bought Missy a little stuffed toy today at Walmart. It's a little Hedgehog, and she's already ripped the guts out of it.
I even sewed it back up, and she's ripped it open again. At least she's having fun without chewing up my socks, or underwear, or shirts.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
ROB SILTANEN
````````````````````````
Not The Smartest Sports FanS
After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”
“What’s your word?” the host replied.
“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller.
`````````````````
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.
````````````````````
For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”
`````````````````````
Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
Source: Overheard in the RADIO Newsroom
``````````````````
When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
```````````````````
Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
… to be a Nobel Prize winner.
… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
… he was fired “on accident.”
From careerbuilder.com
````````````````````````
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon.
`````````````````````````
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
`````````````````
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. “I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
``````````````````
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
Ellen Israel, Alamo, California
```````````````````
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”
`````````````````````
Workplace Tips for Bond Villains
The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain.
• I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.
• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.
```````````````````````
Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for his acts of true kindness and selfishness.”
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time understanding and interrupting his movement.”
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin
```````````````````````
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
`````````````````
Easier Said Than Done
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
From clientsfromhell.net
````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
I'm coming to you today from the end of the world.
The rear end.
When I first looked at the weather report for this weekend, it said it was going to be 84 degrees on Saturday, and 80 on Sunday. Yesterday morning it said it would be 88 on Sat and 84 on Sunday. Now, (Fri night), it says we'll be 91 Sat. and 85 Sunday. That's still a far sight better than the 103 we had Friday and all the days of the last month.
THAT my friends, is the smell of Fall in the air.
Our little front today brought the winds of change.
Now the tongue of wisdom says it's time for bed.
I bought Missy a little stuffed toy today at Walmart. It's a little Hedgehog, and she's already ripped the guts out of it.
I even sewed it back up, and she's ripped it open again. At least she's having fun without chewing up my socks, or underwear, or shirts.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Coffee and tea are ready. Wishing you all a great day! 
