Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 08/17/16 03:21 AM
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
LARRY LORENZONI
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Snappy Answers to Bad Resumés
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)
• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)
• References: “My landscaper.” (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)
• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)
• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)
```````````````````
From a passenger of the Vacaville, California, public bus company:
Dear Sir,
I would like to commend driver Lea Schroeder for the following reasons:
1. She frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but she always waves as she goes by.
2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, “Sit your butt down,” in a courteous way.
3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week.
4. Although she usually gives me wrong instructions on which bus to take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes.
5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits.
Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work.
Sincerely yours,
Robert V.
``````````````````
As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled- looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.
I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does he look like you?”
“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”
```````````````
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
````````````````````
Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project.
Client: “We want a total of eight languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian …”
`````````````````````
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
`````````````````
"Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.
“Can you describe it?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”
```````````````````````
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
`````````````````````````
Idiots Abroad
The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded:
• A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a stone wanted assurance that it would not happen again.
• A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met online.
• A man asked staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he wanted.
``````````````````````
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir (Three Rivers Press)
``````````````````````````
Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
``````````````````
Our Office Needs a 3D Printer
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine.
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well we're half way through August, and over 2/3 of the way through my disgust of Summer.
I saw today my nephew's wife posted something on Facebook to the effect of, "I love the sweet feel of Summer in Oklahoma."
I had to bite my lip.
I'm quite proud of myself too.
We are 83 degrees today and 81 tomorrow. WOW! We are below 90 for the rest of the month, with the exception of one day.
If you look another month ahead though, we're still in the low 90s and 80s. we won't see a 70s temperature reading until September 25th when it will be 78.
Even most of October we are in the 80s.
When is the 1st day of Fall? September 22nd ?
Have a happy hot Summer day everyone.
joe
LARRY LORENZONI
````````````````````
Snappy Answers to Bad Resumés
Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros:
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.)
• Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.)
• References: “My landscaper.” (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.)
• Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!)
• Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?)
```````````````````
From a passenger of the Vacaville, California, public bus company:
Dear Sir,
I would like to commend driver Lea Schroeder for the following reasons:
1. She frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but she always waves as she goes by.
2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, “Sit your butt down,” in a courteous way.
3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week.
4. Although she usually gives me wrong instructions on which bus to take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes.
5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits.
Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work.
Sincerely yours,
Robert V.
``````````````````
As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled- looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.
I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does he look like you?”
“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”
```````````````
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
````````````````````
Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project.
Client: “We want a total of eight languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian …”
`````````````````````
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
`````````````````
"Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.
“Can you describe it?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”
```````````````````````
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
`````````````````````````
Idiots Abroad
The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded:
• A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a stone wanted assurance that it would not happen again.
• A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met online.
• A man asked staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he wanted.
``````````````````````
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir (Three Rivers Press)
``````````````````````````
Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
``````````````````
Our Office Needs a 3D Printer
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine.
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Well we're half way through August, and over 2/3 of the way through my disgust of Summer.
I saw today my nephew's wife posted something on Facebook to the effect of, "I love the sweet feel of Summer in Oklahoma."
I had to bite my lip.
I'm quite proud of myself too.
We are 83 degrees today and 81 tomorrow. WOW! We are below 90 for the rest of the month, with the exception of one day.
If you look another month ahead though, we're still in the low 90s and 80s. we won't see a 70s temperature reading until September 25th when it will be 78.
Even most of October we are in the 80s.
When is the 1st day of Fall? September 22nd ?
Have a happy hot Summer day everyone.
joe
must not of hit the submit button. Have a lovely day!
Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and hope you can find some coolness in your day! Happy Hump Day!
We are all ecstatic! 
