Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 08/18/16 03:30 AM
If you are cold, tea will warm you; if you are too heated, it will cool you; if you are depressed, it will cheer you; if you are excited it will calm you.
WILLIAM EWART GLADSTONE
```````````````````
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him:
“Shane, stop putting Some Assembly Required stickers on the eight-piece chickens.”
“Shane, any free samples you give must come from the deli, not electronics.”
“Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to Albertsons.”
````````````````
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
```````````````````````
More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders
We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into the building.
From CareerBuilder’s 2014 Interview Blunders Survey
``````````````````
What Does DUMB Stand For?
While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see an acronym on this receipt. What would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”
````````````````````
When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.
In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”
`````````````````````````
One Way To Foil Fridge Thieves
The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and go straight to the signature: “Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.”
``````````````
Vitamin D(imwit)
Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.
Coworker #2: What’s that?
Coworker #1: Vitamin D.
Coworker #2: Why do you take that?
Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.
Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?
`````````````````
Urine Trouble Now
An irate patient called our pathology group, demanding that I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”
She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!”
````````````````
Sweet and LOL
When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or unsweetened?”
Her answer: “What’s the difference?”
```````````````````
The Maximum-Security Bathroom
If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?
``````````````````
Behind The Newsprint
Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest:
• News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.”
• Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’”
• Producer: “Free food in the newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then you inform others.”
Source: overheardinthenewsroom.com
``````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Mad Max coming to you from the soap box again.
No really, I had a pretty nice morning. I took the dogs to the park first thing, and then the rest of the day was about the same, because I don't work, and didn't do anything at home either.
I'd give anything just to have one more day like that.
I almost went to the creek today, but decided not to combat the snakes and ticks, for very little chance of finding anything.
They keep forecasting rain and thunderstorms for us, but the storms keep going everywhere but here.
I think we have a precipitation 'no fly' zone over us.
We have all this humidity in the air, and yet the ground is all dry and cracked.
84 is our temperature forecast for the next two days so they'll be good days anyway.
Hope your day is a happy one.
joe
WILLIAM EWART GLADSTONE
```````````````````
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him:
“Shane, stop putting Some Assembly Required stickers on the eight-piece chickens.”
“Shane, any free samples you give must come from the deli, not electronics.”
“Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to Albertsons.”
````````````````
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
```````````````````````
More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders
We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo.
• Applicant acted out a Star Trek role.
• Applicant asked for a hug.
• Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits.
• Applicant crashed her car into the building.
From CareerBuilder’s 2014 Interview Blunders Survey
``````````````````
What Does DUMB Stand For?
While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see an acronym on this receipt. What would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”
````````````````````
When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.
In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”
`````````````````````````
One Way To Foil Fridge Thieves
The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and go straight to the signature: “Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.”
``````````````
Vitamin D(imwit)
Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.
Coworker #2: What’s that?
Coworker #1: Vitamin D.
Coworker #2: Why do you take that?
Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.
Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?
`````````````````
Urine Trouble Now
An irate patient called our pathology group, demanding that I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”
She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!”
````````````````
Sweet and LOL
When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or unsweetened?”
Her answer: “What’s the difference?”
```````````````````
The Maximum-Security Bathroom
If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?
``````````````````
Behind The Newsprint
Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest:
• News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.”
• Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’”
• Producer: “Free food in the newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then you inform others.”
Source: overheardinthenewsroom.com
``````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Mad Max coming to you from the soap box again.
No really, I had a pretty nice morning. I took the dogs to the park first thing, and then the rest of the day was about the same, because I don't work, and didn't do anything at home either.
I'd give anything just to have one more day like that.
I almost went to the creek today, but decided not to combat the snakes and ticks, for very little chance of finding anything.
They keep forecasting rain and thunderstorms for us, but the storms keep going everywhere but here.
I think we have a precipitation 'no fly' zone over us.
We have all this humidity in the air, and yet the ground is all dry and cracked.
84 is our temperature forecast for the next two days so they'll be good days anyway.
Hope your day is a happy one.
joe
I couldn't even get on the computer last night, as it kept storming, and it's been doing that for several nights in a row. 
My voice lesson went really well yesterday. Progress is still being made. 
Also, I'm hoping for no more thunderstorms today, though it looks as though that may be too much to ask. I'm blaming my cat, Jupiter, since he's named after the god of the elements. 
