Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 08/19/16 03:17 AM
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
BOB MONKHOUSE
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Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.”
From fmylife.com
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“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked.
“It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager.
“Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager.
“Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager.
“Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager.
`````````````````
I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.
`````````````````
I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.”
```````````````````
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
B. J. Novak, who says he was hired as a writer for The Office on the strength of the joke above.
````````````````````````
Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.”
``````````````````
A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
``````````````````
One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report.
“Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”
Sherri Smith, Carrollton, Texas
`````````````````````
Six Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
````````````````````````
Bitter? No!
Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: “Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.”
Source: Consumer Reports
```````````````````
Put It On My Tab
One of the joys of working is the opportunity to expense stuff you need. But did employees go too far with these items?
• Lottery tickets
• Pet food
• A tepee
• Hot tub supplies
• A fine for crashing into a tollbooth
````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
How is everyone doing?
Once again the promised and prophesied rain for our area formed in a huge mass South of us, moved in our direction until it was almost upon us, and then magically slid to the East without leaving so much as a drop.
It's a government conspiracy of gigantic proportions.......to keep me from finding any arrowheads.
I did go to the creek today. It wasn't a complete waste of energy, I lost 2 pounds....of water.
As I was making my way down to the creek, I had this narrative running through my head, "As Joe hacked his way through the dense growth with his machete, the heat and humidity was as torrid as was his love affair with hunting the rustic arrowhead."
It wasn't actually that hot, but it was extremely humid, and I really did lose a couple of pounds of water.
I didn't spend too long down there, and I didn't find any points, but I did find a small rough blade.
I WON'T be going back until it cools way down.
Have a happy Friday everybody.
joe
BOB MONKHOUSE
``````````````````
Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.”
From fmylife.com
``````````````````
“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked.
“It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager.
“Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager.
“Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager.
“Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager.
`````````````````
I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.
`````````````````
I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.”
```````````````````
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
B. J. Novak, who says he was hired as a writer for The Office on the strength of the joke above.
````````````````````````
Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.”
``````````````````
A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
``````````````````
One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report.
“Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”
Sherri Smith, Carrollton, Texas
`````````````````````
Six Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
````````````````````````
Bitter? No!
Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: “Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.”
Source: Consumer Reports
```````````````````
Put It On My Tab
One of the joys of working is the opportunity to expense stuff you need. But did employees go too far with these items?
• Lottery tickets
• Pet food
• A tepee
• Hot tub supplies
• A fine for crashing into a tollbooth
````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
How is everyone doing?
Once again the promised and prophesied rain for our area formed in a huge mass South of us, moved in our direction until it was almost upon us, and then magically slid to the East without leaving so much as a drop.
It's a government conspiracy of gigantic proportions.......to keep me from finding any arrowheads.
I did go to the creek today. It wasn't a complete waste of energy, I lost 2 pounds....of water.
As I was making my way down to the creek, I had this narrative running through my head, "As Joe hacked his way through the dense growth with his machete, the heat and humidity was as torrid as was his love affair with hunting the rustic arrowhead."
It wasn't actually that hot, but it was extremely humid, and I really did lose a couple of pounds of water.
I didn't spend too long down there, and I didn't find any points, but I did find a small rough blade.
I WON'T be going back until it cools way down.
Have a happy Friday everybody.
joe
Just teasing you, my friend! Have a wonderful day!
Vet says it's either bone or blood cancer, but that she is too old to withstand the chemo needed to cure it. They say it's a matter of days. I was surprised she was still with us this morning. He has had her for almost 19 years, so it will be a major hole in his/our lives.