Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 08/23/16 03:26 AM
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.
GEORGE BURNS
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Security to Aisle Three…
From an ad for an acting job: “When we finish the commercial, it will be shown on screens in over 200 supermarkets. It’s a great opportunity for you to expose yourself in front of everyone!”
````````````````
Things Could Get Graphic
If you’re a freelance graphic designer, the only thing worse than no clients might be these clients:
“You think it’s right to charge us for things just because we don’t have the ability to do them ourselves?”
“Make everything bold so it all stands out.”
“OK, the project has been approved, unless our client wants changes. In that case, it’s not approved.”
````````````````````
Teach A Man to Kvetch…
Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan of the expression “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.”
“I’ve watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery,” he said. “I’ve never once been at work, capsized in 40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”
``````````````````````
What’s the 311?
In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did.
“Who won American Idol?”
“Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?”
“Can I claim my dog on my income tax?”
`````````````````````
Thanks, I Think
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone.”
``````````````````
Prove It!
Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers.
Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of…
Customer: Is this a recording?
Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to…
Customer: I don’t believe you!
````````````
Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates:
“Can my husband finish the test for me?”
“Would you consider going on a date with me?”
“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”
“Do I have to be at work every day?”
````````````````````
Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asked.
“I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike said.
His boss was aghast. “That took you a whole hour?”
`````````````````
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection.
“Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.”
````````````````
When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”
The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”
```````````````````
Here are actual comments bosses made to employees during their salary reviews:
“I’ve got great news. You managed to avoid a salary decrease.”
“No, we don’t promote family members first. It’s just coincidence.”
“Before you came to my department, you were such a shining star—full of new ideas and enthusiasm. What happened to you?”
“This is a salary review. Let’s not focus on the money.”
`````````````````
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
```````````````````
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:
Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”
``````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
WHEW! Monday's over and the pressure's off. The rest of the week is all weekend.
All in all Monday wasn't really bad. I took the dogs to the park. It was very overcast and foggy, and cool too. The pups had a good walk. Then back home doing a little laundry, and then a lot of gaming. I'm playing LOTR Battle for Middle Earth. Frodo's still at it.
We also got a couple of heavy rains. They didn't last very long, but it was much needed rain anyway.
The next two days are supposed to be in the mid 90s........yahoo.
I was afraid to look any further ahead than that.
Well I have a new past time to fill the hours with. I went down here to the senior center and joined the knitting club.
I'm working on a sweater for the cold weather that's coming.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
GEORGE BURNS
``````````````````````````
Security to Aisle Three…
From an ad for an acting job: “When we finish the commercial, it will be shown on screens in over 200 supermarkets. It’s a great opportunity for you to expose yourself in front of everyone!”
````````````````
Things Could Get Graphic
If you’re a freelance graphic designer, the only thing worse than no clients might be these clients:
“You think it’s right to charge us for things just because we don’t have the ability to do them ourselves?”
“Make everything bold so it all stands out.”
“OK, the project has been approved, unless our client wants changes. In that case, it’s not approved.”
````````````````````
Teach A Man to Kvetch…
Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan of the expression “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.”
“I’ve watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery,” he said. “I’ve never once been at work, capsized in 40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”
``````````````````````
What’s the 311?
In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did.
“Who won American Idol?”
“Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?”
“Can I claim my dog on my income tax?”
`````````````````````
Thanks, I Think
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone.”
``````````````````
Prove It!
Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers.
Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of…
Customer: Is this a recording?
Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to…
Customer: I don’t believe you!
````````````
Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates:
“Can my husband finish the test for me?”
“Would you consider going on a date with me?”
“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”
“Do I have to be at work every day?”
````````````````````
Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asked.
“I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike said.
His boss was aghast. “That took you a whole hour?”
`````````````````
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection.
“Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.”
````````````````
When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”
The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”
```````````````````
Here are actual comments bosses made to employees during their salary reviews:
“I’ve got great news. You managed to avoid a salary decrease.”
“No, we don’t promote family members first. It’s just coincidence.”
“Before you came to my department, you were such a shining star—full of new ideas and enthusiasm. What happened to you?”
“This is a salary review. Let’s not focus on the money.”
`````````````````
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
```````````````````
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:
Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”
``````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
WHEW! Monday's over and the pressure's off. The rest of the week is all weekend.
All in all Monday wasn't really bad. I took the dogs to the park. It was very overcast and foggy, and cool too. The pups had a good walk. Then back home doing a little laundry, and then a lot of gaming. I'm playing LOTR Battle for Middle Earth. Frodo's still at it.
We also got a couple of heavy rains. They didn't last very long, but it was much needed rain anyway.
The next two days are supposed to be in the mid 90s........yahoo.
I was afraid to look any further ahead than that.
Well I have a new past time to fill the hours with. I went down here to the senior center and joined the knitting club.
I'm working on a sweater for the cold weather that's coming.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
, Gerry, and all who follow. I hope you all have a great day today. I have another split shift today. Tomorrow is my day off. Can't wait.
