Posted By: gymcandy1
Happy Hump Day - 08/24/16 02:04 AM
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
````````````````````
Happy Birthday, Valued Employee!
My boss gave me a generic birthday card. It read “Happy Birthday, Greg!” with the word Greg crossed out and my name penned in above it. Greg was fired last month.
```````````````````
Think Globally, Work Scarcely
From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews.
And now we know why: Without his boss’s knowledge, “Bob” had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos.
—Source: nydailynews.com
```````````````````
Suit: Do you have what I call a Sharpie?
Secretary: … What you call a Sharpie?
Suit: Yes.
Secretary: … You and no one else?
Suit: It’s like a felt-tipped pen.
Secretary: Oh, I know what it is.
Suit: Well, do you have one?
Secretary: Yes, I do. I keep it here in what I call a drawer.
``````````````````````
Can I Speak To Dad?
Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, Mom.
—From fmylife.com
`````````````````````
We asked prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line “Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute,” one woman wrote, “I’m very good at following instructions.”
`````````````````````
Is the Client Always Right?
A graphic designer on the phone with his client.
Designer: Hi. I’m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say “programs” for the third question.
Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate. Just copy it over exactly as it says. I’ll explain it nice and slowly for you.
Designer: “Please indicate which pogroms you’ve attended”?
Client: Yeah, that should be programs.
```````````````````
My brother delivered prescriptions to people too ill to go out. Since the neighborhoods he visited were often unsafe, he decided to get some protection.
"Why do you need a pistol?" asked the clerk at the gun shop.
My brother had to explain, "I deliver drugs at night and carry a lot of money."
``````````````````````
How to Ruin an Interview
When you’re interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression.
Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:
Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.
Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.
Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her. Applicant wore a hat that said "Take this job and shove it."
Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.
Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.
Applicant’s friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"
```````````````
Sensitive Employee
Strengths and Weaknesses
A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not."
"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"
"I’m Batman."
```````````````````````
To the batroom Robin
A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not."
"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"
"I’m Batman."
`````````````````````
Weirdest Interview Questions
Job hunting is stressful enough without having to answer these interview questions posed by hiring managers:
"Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten how weird you are."
"How many basketballs can you fit in this room?"
"An apple costs 20 cents, an orange costs 40 cents, and a grapefruit costs 60 cents. How much is a pear?"
"How many bottles of beer are consumed in the city each week?"
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Hump Day to you!
No, I'm not really knitting Ana.
I was just spinning a yarn.
I was only pulling the wool over your eyes.
I was setting up those two jokes.
My new treadmill is broke. After walking on it today for 6 hours, I looked at the digital display and it only read 20 minutes.
So, I took a hammer and broke it.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
ALBERT EINSTEIN
````````````````````
Happy Birthday, Valued Employee!
My boss gave me a generic birthday card. It read “Happy Birthday, Greg!” with the word Greg crossed out and my name penned in above it. Greg was fired last month.
```````````````````
Think Globally, Work Scarcely
From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews.
And now we know why: Without his boss’s knowledge, “Bob” had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos.
—Source: nydailynews.com
```````````````````
Suit: Do you have what I call a Sharpie?
Secretary: … What you call a Sharpie?
Suit: Yes.
Secretary: … You and no one else?
Suit: It’s like a felt-tipped pen.
Secretary: Oh, I know what it is.
Suit: Well, do you have one?
Secretary: Yes, I do. I keep it here in what I call a drawer.
``````````````````````
Can I Speak To Dad?
Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, Mom.
—From fmylife.com
`````````````````````
We asked prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line “Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute,” one woman wrote, “I’m very good at following instructions.”
`````````````````````
Is the Client Always Right?
A graphic designer on the phone with his client.
Designer: Hi. I’m just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say “programs” for the third question.
Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate. Just copy it over exactly as it says. I’ll explain it nice and slowly for you.
Designer: “Please indicate which pogroms you’ve attended”?
Client: Yeah, that should be programs.
```````````````````
My brother delivered prescriptions to people too ill to go out. Since the neighborhoods he visited were often unsafe, he decided to get some protection.
"Why do you need a pistol?" asked the clerk at the gun shop.
My brother had to explain, "I deliver drugs at night and carry a lot of money."
``````````````````````
How to Ruin an Interview
When you’re interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression.
Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:
Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.
Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.
Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her. Applicant wore a hat that said "Take this job and shove it."
Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.
Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.
Applicant’s friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"
```````````````
Sensitive Employee
Strengths and Weaknesses
A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not."
"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"
"I’m Batman."
```````````````````````
To the batroom Robin
A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not."
"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"
"I’m Batman."
`````````````````````
Weirdest Interview Questions
Job hunting is stressful enough without having to answer these interview questions posed by hiring managers:
"Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten how weird you are."
"How many basketballs can you fit in this room?"
"An apple costs 20 cents, an orange costs 40 cents, and a grapefruit costs 60 cents. How much is a pear?"
"How many bottles of beer are consumed in the city each week?"
````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Happy Hump Day to you!
No, I'm not really knitting Ana.
I was just spinning a yarn.
I was only pulling the wool over your eyes.
I was setting up those two jokes.
My new treadmill is broke. After walking on it today for 6 hours, I looked at the digital display and it only read 20 minutes.
So, I took a hammer and broke it.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Have a wonderful day my friend! 
It's going to be a long day. 
Luckily, I don't have to work tomorrow, but I do have a voice lesson. So I need to get at least some rest for that, which means I'm off to sleep. 
looney