Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 08/25/16 02:30 AM
Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, Or what’s a heaven for?
ROBERT BROWNING
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Harshest Incentive
A candy company’s sales team was promised a trip to sunny Hawaii this past winter if they met their sales quota. They missed their mark and instead got the consolation prize: a vacation in Fargo, North Dakota, where the temperature was 7 degrees.
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Meeting Time
Meetingboy.com invites viewers to gripe about their jobs. Some of the best responses: "No, I wasn’t playing devil’s advocate. I really think your idea is stupid."
"Getting an excellent performance review but then no raise is like being told you get dessert, then learning the dessert is celery."
"Of course it wasn’t convincing. That 60-slide PowerPoint presentation wasn’t to convince people. It was to break their will."
"You had me at ‘meeting canceled.’"
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Overconfidence
My sister Angela was impressed by a job applicant’s confidence. "How will you gain your coworkers’ respect?" she asked. The reply: "Mainly through my misdemeanor."
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Global Companies
After receiving the umpteenth late-night communication from a business associate in Asia, I grumbled to my son, "Don’t ever work for a global company!"
A reservist, he said, "I already do. It’s called the U.S. Army."
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The Right Experience?
Someone advertising on Craigslist said she was well suited for child care. After all, she had plenty of experience in "Choking Children and CPR."
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Good Experience
When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?"
"Well," she answers, "I’ve been divorced three times."
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With Regular Use
When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.
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To Whom it May Really Concern
My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her résumé. He didn’t get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem.
"Is it too generic?" she asked.
"I doubt it," said her father.
"Especially since it’s addressed ‘Dear Sir or Madman.’"
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You Know When It's Time
"Why did you leave your last job?"
"It was something my boss said."
"What did he say?"
"’You’re fired!’"
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Dates Attended
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday."
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Optimism
My go-getter coworker asked me, "Andrea, why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?”
I replied, "On the chance that I get fired this afternoon and don’t have to do it at all.”
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Best Reason to Strike
Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark walked off the job after losing a prized perk: unlimited beer at work. They now have to settle for three beers at lunch. A worker told the Wall Street Journal that wasn’t enough: "I need a beer when I take a cigarette break."
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Crazy Work Excuses
We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories so they can skip work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers:
• Employee said a chicken attacked his mom.
• Employee had a hair transplant that went bad.
• Employee called in sick from a bar at 5 p.m. the night before.
• Employee had to mow the lawn to avoid a lawsuit from the homeowners’ association.
• Employee’s finger was stuck in a bowling ball.
• Employee fell asleep at his desk while at work and hit his head, causing a neck injury.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I hardly slept last night. I was switching to a different sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor, but it seems that backing off what I have been taking to much too fast is having the opposite effect.
I didn't even take my usual nap yesterday, plus I did 4 miles on my treadmill, and still didn't sleep.
Today I took the dogs to the park, although I really didn't want too, and when I got back, I somehow got the motivation to mow my yard although I really, REALLY didn't want to do that. I think it's like having the dogs staring at me wanting to go to the park. The lawn kept staring through the windows at me, and every time I'd walk out in the yard it would go "Mow me. I want to be mowed. I feel very shaggy."
It was breezy this morning, and it was dryer, so it didn't feel bad, or as humid. The walk in the park was nice.
When I started mowing the yard it was ok. By the time I finished mowing and trimming two hours later, I was in core melt-down.
The greatest feeling though about the whole day, is that after I finished all that yard work, I decided that I definitely was going to pass on cleaning the bathroom.
You know what? After all that yardwork, and not sleeping last night, I still had a hard time taking a nap this afternoon.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
ROBERT BROWNING
``````````````````
Harshest Incentive
A candy company’s sales team was promised a trip to sunny Hawaii this past winter if they met their sales quota. They missed their mark and instead got the consolation prize: a vacation in Fargo, North Dakota, where the temperature was 7 degrees.
````````````````
Meeting Time
Meetingboy.com invites viewers to gripe about their jobs. Some of the best responses: "No, I wasn’t playing devil’s advocate. I really think your idea is stupid."
"Getting an excellent performance review but then no raise is like being told you get dessert, then learning the dessert is celery."
"Of course it wasn’t convincing. That 60-slide PowerPoint presentation wasn’t to convince people. It was to break their will."
"You had me at ‘meeting canceled.’"
`````````````````
Overconfidence
My sister Angela was impressed by a job applicant’s confidence. "How will you gain your coworkers’ respect?" she asked. The reply: "Mainly through my misdemeanor."
`````````````````
Global Companies
After receiving the umpteenth late-night communication from a business associate in Asia, I grumbled to my son, "Don’t ever work for a global company!"
A reservist, he said, "I already do. It’s called the U.S. Army."
````````````````
The Right Experience?
Someone advertising on Craigslist said she was well suited for child care. After all, she had plenty of experience in "Choking Children and CPR."
```````````````````
Good Experience
When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?"
"Well," she answers, "I’ve been divorced three times."
``````````````````
With Regular Use
When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.
````````````````
To Whom it May Really Concern
My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her résumé. He didn’t get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem.
"Is it too generic?" she asked.
"I doubt it," said her father.
"Especially since it’s addressed ‘Dear Sir or Madman.’"
`````````````````
You Know When It's Time
"Why did you leave your last job?"
"It was something my boss said."
"What did he say?"
"’You’re fired!’"
````````````````````
Dates Attended
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday."
`````````````
Optimism
My go-getter coworker asked me, "Andrea, why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?”
I replied, "On the chance that I get fired this afternoon and don’t have to do it at all.”
````````````````
Best Reason to Strike
Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark walked off the job after losing a prized perk: unlimited beer at work. They now have to settle for three beers at lunch. A worker told the Wall Street Journal that wasn’t enough: "I need a beer when I take a cigarette break."
``````````````````````
Crazy Work Excuses
We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories so they can skip work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers:
• Employee said a chicken attacked his mom.
• Employee had a hair transplant that went bad.
• Employee called in sick from a bar at 5 p.m. the night before.
• Employee had to mow the lawn to avoid a lawsuit from the homeowners’ association.
• Employee’s finger was stuck in a bowling ball.
• Employee fell asleep at his desk while at work and hit his head, causing a neck injury.
``````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I hardly slept last night. I was switching to a different sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor, but it seems that backing off what I have been taking to much too fast is having the opposite effect.
I didn't even take my usual nap yesterday, plus I did 4 miles on my treadmill, and still didn't sleep.
Today I took the dogs to the park, although I really didn't want too, and when I got back, I somehow got the motivation to mow my yard although I really, REALLY didn't want to do that. I think it's like having the dogs staring at me wanting to go to the park. The lawn kept staring through the windows at me, and every time I'd walk out in the yard it would go "Mow me. I want to be mowed. I feel very shaggy."
It was breezy this morning, and it was dryer, so it didn't feel bad, or as humid. The walk in the park was nice.
When I started mowing the yard it was ok. By the time I finished mowing and trimming two hours later, I was in core melt-down.
The greatest feeling though about the whole day, is that after I finished all that yard work, I decided that I definitely was going to pass on cleaning the bathroom.
You know what? After all that yardwork, and not sleeping last night, I still had a hard time taking a nap this afternoon.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Hope you're able to get some actual sleep tonight, and that your lawn stops talking to you. 
It's more Broadway/musical theater style.
looney 
