Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip and Surf Sunday - 08/28/16 02:39 AM
Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
JENNY BICKS
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Job Hunting
I just saw an ad for a position I feel completely qualified for: "Wanted: bartenders. No exp. necessary. Must have: legal ID, phone, transportation, and teeth."
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Odd Job
Our daughter took the afternoon off from her job at the funeral home to visit her daughter in preschool. When one of the kids asked what she did for a living, my granddaughter answered for her: "She sells underground furniture."
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Greener Pastures
Before leaving my assistant job for greener pastures, I was asked to reply to applicants hoping to replace me. "Very smart and intelligent," my boss had written on one of the applications. "Too good for this job."
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So When Do I Start?
How do you get human resources to remember you? Try pulling some of these actual interview stunts.
Balding applicant abruptly excused himself and returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant asked to see the reviewer’s résumé to see if the personnel executive was qualified to interview him.
Applicant phoned his therapist during the interview for advice on answering specific questions.
During the interview, an alarm clock went off in the applicant’s briefcase. He apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
Applicant challenged the interviewer to arm-wrestle.
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Conference Call
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
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4 Creative Ways to Get Hired
How do you get hiring managers to hire you? Don’t pull these actual, creepily creative stunts:
Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot.
Applicant announced his candidacy with a singing telegram.
Applicant rented a billboard, which the hiring manager could see from his office, listing his qualifications.
Applicant delivered prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with his name and phone number.
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The Dog Ate My Alarm Clock
According to careerbuilder.com, a full 15 percent of workers admit to getting to the office late at least once a week. And here are some of their excuses:
I have transient amnesia and couldn’t remember my job.
I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
Someone stole all my daffodils.
I had to go audition for American Idol.
I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
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Help Wanting
Here’s a job to avoid: hiring manager. See what you’d have to contend with?
The candidate answered his cell phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office because it was a "private" conversation.
The candidate told the interviewer he wouldn’t stay with the job long because he might get an inheritance if his uncle died—and the old man wasn’t "looking too good."
The candidate said she couldn’t provide a writing sample because all her writing had been for the CIA and it was "classified."
When the applicant was offered food, he declined, saying he didn’t want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.
The candidate flushed the toilet while talking to the interviewer during a phone interview.
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Evaluation
I input a junior manager’s self-evaluation, which said in part, "I have been on the job for three months, and I finally feel as if I’ve accomplished something." I made one mistake, however. I replaced the word job with John.
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Resume Classics
What’s the finest example of fiction today? The résumé. Here are some classics sent to bemused hiring managers.
Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born.
Candidate claimed to be a member of the Kennedy family.
Job seeker claimed to be the CEO of a company, when he was an hourly employee.
Job seeker included samples of work, which were actually those of the interviewer.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I know this is true because I'm here, and you're here.
It's a beautiful Monday, and the start of a grand new week.
I'm kidding.
I know it's Tuesday.
My plan for this day is to try and sleep in as late as possible, and not go out to the park.
I'm not holding my breath on that point though.
My pooches are pretty good at laying the old guilt trip on me.
Whatever you have going on today, have a happy one.
joe
JENNY BICKS
`````````````````
Job Hunting
I just saw an ad for a position I feel completely qualified for: "Wanted: bartenders. No exp. necessary. Must have: legal ID, phone, transportation, and teeth."
````````````````
Odd Job
Our daughter took the afternoon off from her job at the funeral home to visit her daughter in preschool. When one of the kids asked what she did for a living, my granddaughter answered for her: "She sells underground furniture."
````````````````````
Greener Pastures
Before leaving my assistant job for greener pastures, I was asked to reply to applicants hoping to replace me. "Very smart and intelligent," my boss had written on one of the applications. "Too good for this job."
``````````````````
So When Do I Start?
How do you get human resources to remember you? Try pulling some of these actual interview stunts.
Balding applicant abruptly excused himself and returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant asked to see the reviewer’s résumé to see if the personnel executive was qualified to interview him.
Applicant phoned his therapist during the interview for advice on answering specific questions.
During the interview, an alarm clock went off in the applicant’s briefcase. He apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
Applicant challenged the interviewer to arm-wrestle.
````````````````
Conference Call
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
````````````````
4 Creative Ways to Get Hired
How do you get hiring managers to hire you? Don’t pull these actual, creepily creative stunts:
Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot.
Applicant announced his candidacy with a singing telegram.
Applicant rented a billboard, which the hiring manager could see from his office, listing his qualifications.
Applicant delivered prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with his name and phone number.
```````````````
The Dog Ate My Alarm Clock
According to careerbuilder.com, a full 15 percent of workers admit to getting to the office late at least once a week. And here are some of their excuses:
I have transient amnesia and couldn’t remember my job.
I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
Someone stole all my daffodils.
I had to go audition for American Idol.
I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
````````````````
Help Wanting
Here’s a job to avoid: hiring manager. See what you’d have to contend with?
The candidate answered his cell phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office because it was a "private" conversation.
The candidate told the interviewer he wouldn’t stay with the job long because he might get an inheritance if his uncle died—and the old man wasn’t "looking too good."
The candidate said she couldn’t provide a writing sample because all her writing had been for the CIA and it was "classified."
When the applicant was offered food, he declined, saying he didn’t want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.
The candidate flushed the toilet while talking to the interviewer during a phone interview.
````````````````
Evaluation
I input a junior manager’s self-evaluation, which said in part, "I have been on the job for three months, and I finally feel as if I’ve accomplished something." I made one mistake, however. I replaced the word job with John.
`````````````````
Resume Classics
What’s the finest example of fiction today? The résumé. Here are some classics sent to bemused hiring managers.
Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born.
Candidate claimed to be a member of the Kennedy family.
Job seeker claimed to be the CEO of a company, when he was an hourly employee.
Job seeker included samples of work, which were actually those of the interviewer.
````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
I know this is true because I'm here, and you're here.
It's a beautiful Monday, and the start of a grand new week.
I'm kidding.
I know it's Tuesday.
My plan for this day is to try and sleep in as late as possible, and not go out to the park.
I'm not holding my breath on that point though.
My pooches are pretty good at laying the old guilt trip on me.
Whatever you have going on today, have a happy one.
joe
However, if your dogs have their way, have fun at the park. 
Nan. Enjoy your day too. 
Sorta 
