Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip & Sip & Sip Some More Monday - 08/29/16 03:56 AM
I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
MICHAEL JORDAN
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3 Resume Killers
Looking for a job? Try to avoid these résumé bombs, collected from bemused hiring managers:
Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."
Candidate explained an arrest by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."
Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, "I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."
````````````````````
Work Workout
After my daily jog to work, I found a colleague standing outside our building, puffing on a cigarette. Seeing that I was sweaty and out of breath, she became concerned. "Just how far away did you park?"
````````````
On Friends and Countrymen
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,” another said.
“No,” agreed a Native American co-worker. “There’s a lot more of you than that.”
```````````````````````
Crazy Stories for Skipping Work
We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories for skipping work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers:
Employee didn’t want to lose his parking space in front of his house.
Employee said he had a heart attack that morning but that he was "all better now."
Employee’s dog was stressed-out after family reunion.
Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party.
```````````````
Long Detour
When I phoned my employee to find out why she hadn’t come to the office, I expected to hear a sob story about how sick she was, blah, blah, blah. Instead, her excuse was pretty plausible.
"When I was driving to work, I took a wrong turn," she explained. "And then I just decided to keep going."
````````````````
Giving Away Your Age
How not to become a member of senior management:
During a meeting, our bosses held a contest to name a new project. As members of the management team read through the entries, our CEO picked one out and asked, "Who knows what a phoenix is?"
A junior manager answered, "It’s a bird in Harry Potter."
``````````````````
Job Perks
"’That’s a great place to work!" shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. "I get two weeks’ paid vacation."
"I’m so glad," said my mother.
"Yeah," added John. "I can’t wait to find out where they send me."
```````````````
Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she"d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
```````````````````
Not to be Used
The brave new memo about the company’s revised travel policy read as follows: We were no longer allowed to buy cheap tickets via the Internet. Instead, we were required to use the more expensive company travel department. Furthermore, to show how much money we were saving, we were asked to comparison-shop for fares—on the Internet.
I thought the typo in the last line of the memo summed it up best: "The new process is ineffective today."
````````````````
Closer Than Ever
One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone.
As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Morning is coming earlier nowadays.
I haven't even gone to bed, and morning is already here.
It's no wonder to me now I'm not getting much sleep.
Whenever I do go to sleep tonight I have a feeling it won't be for long. I can't drink enough water tonight.
That's very unusual for me, so I wonder what's going on.
I generally drink very little water at all.
I think my brain is dehydrated. I watched too many desert movies today.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
MICHAEL JORDAN
````````````````````
3 Resume Killers
Looking for a job? Try to avoid these résumé bombs, collected from bemused hiring managers:
Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."
Candidate explained an arrest by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."
Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, "I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."
````````````````````
Work Workout
After my daily jog to work, I found a colleague standing outside our building, puffing on a cigarette. Seeing that I was sweaty and out of breath, she became concerned. "Just how far away did you park?"
````````````
On Friends and Countrymen
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,” another said.
“No,” agreed a Native American co-worker. “There’s a lot more of you than that.”
```````````````````````
Crazy Stories for Skipping Work
We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories for skipping work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers:
Employee didn’t want to lose his parking space in front of his house.
Employee said he had a heart attack that morning but that he was "all better now."
Employee’s dog was stressed-out after family reunion.
Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party.
```````````````
Long Detour
When I phoned my employee to find out why she hadn’t come to the office, I expected to hear a sob story about how sick she was, blah, blah, blah. Instead, her excuse was pretty plausible.
"When I was driving to work, I took a wrong turn," she explained. "And then I just decided to keep going."
````````````````
Giving Away Your Age
How not to become a member of senior management:
During a meeting, our bosses held a contest to name a new project. As members of the management team read through the entries, our CEO picked one out and asked, "Who knows what a phoenix is?"
A junior manager answered, "It’s a bird in Harry Potter."
``````````````````
Job Perks
"’That’s a great place to work!" shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. "I get two weeks’ paid vacation."
"I’m so glad," said my mother.
"Yeah," added John. "I can’t wait to find out where they send me."
```````````````
Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she"d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
```````````````````
Not to be Used
The brave new memo about the company’s revised travel policy read as follows: We were no longer allowed to buy cheap tickets via the Internet. Instead, we were required to use the more expensive company travel department. Furthermore, to show how much money we were saving, we were asked to comparison-shop for fares—on the Internet.
I thought the typo in the last line of the memo summed it up best: "The new process is ineffective today."
````````````````
Closer Than Ever
One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone.
As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.
```````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Morning is coming earlier nowadays.
I haven't even gone to bed, and morning is already here.
It's no wonder to me now I'm not getting much sleep.
Whenever I do go to sleep tonight I have a feeling it won't be for long. I can't drink enough water tonight.
That's very unusual for me, so I wonder what's going on.
I generally drink very little water at all.
I think my brain is dehydrated. I watched too many desert movies today.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
to everyone.
Good Morning Joe, MaG, and all. Been there done that too, MaG! Coffee and tea are ready Wishing you all a great Monday! 
Thanks.
getting it all done!
but didn't think he had the right remote...said they weren't making them anymore 
and had switched because the one I wanted broke too easily. But then he rooted around in his truck and came up with one 
