Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 09/23/16 03:24 AM
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Sam Keen
``````````````````````
A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”
“You jerk!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” says the judge.
“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.
“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Too cheap to buy a hammer of his own in 10 years? What a great neighbor!
```````````````
New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things
• Couch = People Shelf
• Books = Manual Films
• Bracelets = Clockless Watches
• Air Horn = Spray Scream
• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood
• Feather = Bird Leaf
Shorts = Sleeveless pants
````````````````
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”
Try association............works for me.
``````````````
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
If I were him I'd shoot for Santa's job.
````````````````````
My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s so disgusting!”
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.”
````````````````
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can go to Harvard!”
`````````````````
#IGotBusted
Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught.
“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop monitor.”
“I lied and told my dad school was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”
“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”
``````````````````
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
Wow! If I did that I could buy Argentina.
``````````````````
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
`````````````````
Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
`````````````
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
I will dismember you forever.
`````````````````
An ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”
`````````````````````
I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
Is that what a dishwasher is for?
I thought it was a dish DRAINER.
`````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Painter joe here.
I went and bought another gallon today to paint my kitchen, but when I started painting, I wasn't impressed with the color. It was a light olive color. I took it back to Lowe's, and got a different color, and when I tried it I liked it even less than the first, so tomorrow I'll be heading back to Lowe's for another try at it.
They say if you don't love the color you can change it, but they may get tired of seeing me walking through the door.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Sam Keen
``````````````````````
A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”
“You jerk!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” says the judge.
“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.
“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
Too cheap to buy a hammer of his own in 10 years? What a great neighbor!
```````````````
New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things
• Couch = People Shelf
• Books = Manual Films
• Bracelets = Clockless Watches
• Air Horn = Spray Scream
• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood
• Feather = Bird Leaf
Shorts = Sleeveless pants
````````````````
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”
Try association............works for me.
``````````````
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
If I were him I'd shoot for Santa's job.
````````````````````
My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s so disgusting!”
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.”
````````````````
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can go to Harvard!”
`````````````````
#IGotBusted
Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught.
“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop monitor.”
“I lied and told my dad school was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”
“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”
``````````````````
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
Wow! If I did that I could buy Argentina.
``````````````````
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
`````````````````
Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
`````````````
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
I will dismember you forever.
`````````````````
An ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”
`````````````````````
I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
Is that what a dishwasher is for?
I thought it was a dish DRAINER.
`````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Painter joe here.
I went and bought another gallon today to paint my kitchen, but when I started painting, I wasn't impressed with the color. It was a light olive color. I took it back to Lowe's, and got a different color, and when I tried it I liked it even less than the first, so tomorrow I'll be heading back to Lowe's for another try at it.
They say if you don't love the color you can change it, but they may get tired of seeing me walking through the door.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Sorta
