Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 12/17/16 02:26 AM
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in."
Will Rogers
````````````````````
He Said, She Said
Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.
She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an [blip]?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and pass gas.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror lard butt.
`````````````````````
Him And Her
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
````````````````
Holiday Schedule
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
`````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Today I bring you a gift so bright I may have to wrap it twice to hide the light.
Or......would you rather have some nice.......white.......snow?
I need to mark my calendar. The weather 'person' made a mistake.
I don't think we ever got above 50 degrees today.
I would mark the calendar, but I've already used up all of my markers.
Today I did my sexercising. That's exercising while thinking about Barbi Benton.
Google her. Hubba Hubba
Then I went to WallyWorld and played bumper carts for an hour what fun.
After putting that stuff up, I took the pups to the park.
A good time was had by all.........of them.
Then I came back and finished decorating my Christmas tree.
It's a pre-lit, artificial tree.
I'm having a pre-lit, artificial Christmas this year.
It's a good thing my neighbors have pine trees.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Will Rogers
````````````````````
He Said, She Said
Whenever a man has something to say, you can be sure a woman always has to have her say in the end...
He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.
She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an [blip]?
She said... I would, but you're never there.
He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and pass gas.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror lard butt.
`````````````````````
Him And Her
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
````````````````
Holiday Schedule
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
`````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Today I bring you a gift so bright I may have to wrap it twice to hide the light.
Or......would you rather have some nice.......white.......snow?
I need to mark my calendar. The weather 'person' made a mistake.
I don't think we ever got above 50 degrees today.
I would mark the calendar, but I've already used up all of my markers.
Today I did my sexercising. That's exercising while thinking about Barbi Benton.
Google her. Hubba Hubba
Then I went to WallyWorld and played bumper carts for an hour what fun.
After putting that stuff up, I took the pups to the park.
A good time was had by all.........of them.
Then I came back and finished decorating my Christmas tree.
It's a pre-lit, artificial tree.
I'm having a pre-lit, artificial Christmas this year.
It's a good thing my neighbors have pine trees.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Hope you have a really strong heater. 
