Posted By: gymcandy1
Magnificent Monday - 12/19/16 01:04 AM
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.
JULIA CHILD
````````````````
Hospital Message
Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
```````````````````
Hotel Slogans
This is a list of rejected slogans for that local 2 star hotel...
16. We're working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS"
13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but would you have money left over for a hooker?
8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
`````````````````
Hotel Translations
We all know how misleading the description of hotels and motels can be. So we put together a translation table to help you out... So when you see one of the phrases listed on the left, you will know what it really means by reading the translation on the right!
Old world charm ................................. No bath
Tropical ............................................. Rainy
Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied
Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
Cozy ................................................. Small
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby
Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes
Concierge ....................................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ..................... Free muffin
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Weekends come and weekends go. No problem you can still spend the week with Joe.
On current events, and politics, I have little to say, but if you'll share yours, I'll share my day.
If you don't then I'll share mine anyway, so you may as well.
If I'm not sharing my thoughts with folks here at Gameboomers, then I'm just walking around talking to myself.
I'm trying real hard to reach out and share my feelings with my dogs, but I keep getting that head tilt, and look of "Are you saying it's lunch time, or time to go to the park, because we don't want to hear anything else come out of your lips?" "Food, or Park?"
At least I have more important matters to contemplate, like when I'm going head hunting again, and where.
Well....There's also football.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
JULIA CHILD
````````````````
Hospital Message
Answering machine at the Mental Hospital...
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
```````````````````
Hotel Slogans
This is a list of rejected slogans for that local 2 star hotel...
16. We're working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS"
13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but would you have money left over for a hooker?
8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
`````````````````
Hotel Translations
We all know how misleading the description of hotels and motels can be. So we put together a translation table to help you out... So when you see one of the phrases listed on the left, you will know what it really means by reading the translation on the right!
Old world charm ................................. No bath
Tropical ............................................. Rainy
Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied
Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
Cozy ................................................. Small
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby
Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes
Concierge ....................................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ..................... Free muffin
```````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Weekends come and weekends go. No problem you can still spend the week with Joe.
On current events, and politics, I have little to say, but if you'll share yours, I'll share my day.
If you don't then I'll share mine anyway, so you may as well.
If I'm not sharing my thoughts with folks here at Gameboomers, then I'm just walking around talking to myself.
I'm trying real hard to reach out and share my feelings with my dogs, but I keep getting that head tilt, and look of "Are you saying it's lunch time, or time to go to the park, because we don't want to hear anything else come out of your lips?" "Food, or Park?"
At least I have more important matters to contemplate, like when I'm going head hunting again, and where.
Well....There's also football.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Bundled up of course! And boobie squish went well, so a little cold was worth it!
