Posted By: gymcandy1
Magnificent Monday - 04/03/17 02:50 AM
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
ANN LANDERS
``````````````````````````
Rita to Tina, "It's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow."
Tina, "Cool. What are you giving him?"
Rita, "I was about to ask you that. What should I give him?"
Tina, "Is he rich?"
Rita, "Yes, he is."
Tina, "Then give him my number!"
```````````````
Peter said to his wife Claudia, "You will not believe what happened today! I bought an old lamp at the junkyard sale and guess what? I rubbed it and out came a genie!"
Claudia said excitedly, "Really?? Did you ask for anything?"
Peter replied, "Yes i did. I asked for your intelligence to be enhanced ten times."
Claudia said, "Oh! That's so sweet of you."
Peter retorted, "Yeah, but I forgot anything multiplied by zero remains zero."
``````````````````
Roger shouted at his neighbour Rick, "Can you ask your dog to shut up. He has been barking non-stop since several hours. I have a severe headache from last night's drinking and trying hard to catch a wink."
Rick replied, "I am sure my dog will calm down as soon as you vacate his kennel."
``````````````````
Sam asks his friend Fred, "What are the first signs of old age?"
Fred replies, "Wrinkles?"
Sam says, "No."
Fred says, "Hair loss?"
Sam says, "No."
Fred asks, "Medicines?"
Sam says, "No."
Fred asks, "Then what??"
Sam replies, "When your wife stops suspecting you!"
````````````````
Andre staggers into the bar, completely sloshed. He asks the bar attendant for a beer and says to him, "I can share a technique with you which will help you sell twice the amount of beer."
The bar attendant asks, "Wow, what is it?"
Andre replies, "Nothing complicated. You simply have to pour full glasses."
```````````````
Carla said to her husband, "Rick, let's go to see the circus."
Rick dismissed her immediately by saying, "No, I am busy."
Carla insisted, "C'mon, do you know they have a girl in the circus who rides a lion without clothes!"
Hearing this, Rick agrees and says, "You are very persistent. Okay, let's go, it's been a long time since I have seen a lion."
Rick bought the most expensive seats in the first row. The lion arrived on stage and did some antics but the girl without the clothes was not to be seen anywhere.
After the show, Rick asked Carla, "What happened to the girl you mentioned who would perform without clothes?"
Carla glared at him and replied, "I had said that the lion will appear without clothes!"
`````````````````````
Jose was so tired of his wife's constant nagging that he sent a mail to his Mother-in-law.
His mail read like this:
You product is a faulty piece. It has several technical faults which were not informed to me at the time of delivery. I demand that this faulty piece be taken back and I be given an exchange.
The Mother-in-law shot back a message to Jose:
The product is no longer under Warranty
There is no policy for refund or exchange
It is in your hands to enhance the performance of the product
The Rules & Regulations, of using the product were informed to you at the time of exchanging vows
The Company no longer makes new products anyways
You are thereby advised to "Handle with care"
````````````````
Joseph says to his hostel roommate, "Alex, I have been cheated!"
Alex said, "Who cheated you? How?"
Joseph replied, "My own parents! I asked them to send me money for books, and guess what did they send me........books!!"
``````````````````
It was Juan's 35th birthday and he was celebrating with friends. One of his friends, Pepe asked him, "You should get married now. Haven't you found a woman?"
Juan replied, "Well, over the years, I have brought many girlfriends home to meet my mom but she didn't like anyone."
Pepe said "That's an age old problem, but I know the solution. Get a girl who is just like your Mom."
Juan meets Pepe again after a couple of weeks and Pepe asks him, "Well how is it going? Did you find a girl your Mom would like?"
Juan replied without enthusiasm, "Ya I did. She is just like Mom. And Mom was all praises for her."
Pepe asked, "Then what's the trouble dude? Why the long face?"
Juan replied, "Dad doesn't like her."
```````````````````
Laurel: Who is this boy?
Hardy: He is my distant brother.
Laurel: What do you mean by that??!
Hardy: Well, there are seven other brothers between us.
```````````````````
When Alex was appointed the new in-charge of the mental hospital, he asked his subordinate to take him around the hospital premises for orientation.
In one of the corridors, Alex saw a man in torn clothes running towards him shouting, "Julia, Julia!!"
Alex asked the subordinate, "What is wrong with him?"
The subordinate replied, "This guy was in love with a girl called Julia but could not marry her. He was so disheartened that he lost his mind. He has been like this ever since."
When they were in another part of the hospital, Alex saw another disoriented man running haywire and screaming, "Julia! Julia!"
Alex looked at his subordinate questioningly and the subordinate quickly replied, "Well, he is the man who married Julia."
````````````````
Alex went to the salon and asked the owner, "Hey Max, how long would I have to wait for a haircut?"
Max looked at the customers waiting and replied, "About an hour". On hearing this, Alex left.
He returned next week and asked Max, "Hey, how long is the waiting time for a haircut?"
Max looked at the customers already waiting, and replied, "About an hour." Alex left.
The week after that, Alex came again and asked the same question, "Hey Max, how long would I have to wait for a haircut?"
Max replied, "An hour or so." Alex left quietly.
Max was intrigued and asked a friend in the shop, "Paul, do me a favour. Please follow that guy and see where he goes."
Paul returned in a while and could not stop laughing. Max asked, "Well this has to be funny. So where did he go??"
Paul replied, "He went to your house!!"
``````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Abba-dabba-DOOOOO it's the weekend!
Or, did we already do that?
No matter, I don't have that much going on anyway.
I guess yesterday was Sunday then. Well Sunday we had rain for at least 4 or 5 solid hours, and they got the same rain out at the old sod farm.
I don't know if I'll be going out there today, probably not, but withing the next few days I will for sure.
I expect I'll have to go in to Lowe's and submit to an interview, (if you can believe that), AND submit a drug test (even though I already told them I do drugs).
I guess they want to find out if I'm still as cantankerous as I was before so they can warn the new people.
If not sooner, then I expect to start, (re-start), by Saturday.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
ANN LANDERS
``````````````````````````
Rita to Tina, "It's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow."
Tina, "Cool. What are you giving him?"
Rita, "I was about to ask you that. What should I give him?"
Tina, "Is he rich?"
Rita, "Yes, he is."
Tina, "Then give him my number!"
```````````````
Peter said to his wife Claudia, "You will not believe what happened today! I bought an old lamp at the junkyard sale and guess what? I rubbed it and out came a genie!"
Claudia said excitedly, "Really?? Did you ask for anything?"
Peter replied, "Yes i did. I asked for your intelligence to be enhanced ten times."
Claudia said, "Oh! That's so sweet of you."
Peter retorted, "Yeah, but I forgot anything multiplied by zero remains zero."
``````````````````
Roger shouted at his neighbour Rick, "Can you ask your dog to shut up. He has been barking non-stop since several hours. I have a severe headache from last night's drinking and trying hard to catch a wink."
Rick replied, "I am sure my dog will calm down as soon as you vacate his kennel."
``````````````````
Sam asks his friend Fred, "What are the first signs of old age?"
Fred replies, "Wrinkles?"
Sam says, "No."
Fred says, "Hair loss?"
Sam says, "No."
Fred asks, "Medicines?"
Sam says, "No."
Fred asks, "Then what??"
Sam replies, "When your wife stops suspecting you!"
````````````````
Andre staggers into the bar, completely sloshed. He asks the bar attendant for a beer and says to him, "I can share a technique with you which will help you sell twice the amount of beer."
The bar attendant asks, "Wow, what is it?"
Andre replies, "Nothing complicated. You simply have to pour full glasses."
```````````````
Carla said to her husband, "Rick, let's go to see the circus."
Rick dismissed her immediately by saying, "No, I am busy."
Carla insisted, "C'mon, do you know they have a girl in the circus who rides a lion without clothes!"
Hearing this, Rick agrees and says, "You are very persistent. Okay, let's go, it's been a long time since I have seen a lion."
Rick bought the most expensive seats in the first row. The lion arrived on stage and did some antics but the girl without the clothes was not to be seen anywhere.
After the show, Rick asked Carla, "What happened to the girl you mentioned who would perform without clothes?"
Carla glared at him and replied, "I had said that the lion will appear without clothes!"
`````````````````````
Jose was so tired of his wife's constant nagging that he sent a mail to his Mother-in-law.
His mail read like this:
You product is a faulty piece. It has several technical faults which were not informed to me at the time of delivery. I demand that this faulty piece be taken back and I be given an exchange.
The Mother-in-law shot back a message to Jose:
The product is no longer under Warranty
There is no policy for refund or exchange
It is in your hands to enhance the performance of the product
The Rules & Regulations, of using the product were informed to you at the time of exchanging vows
The Company no longer makes new products anyways
You are thereby advised to "Handle with care"
````````````````
Joseph says to his hostel roommate, "Alex, I have been cheated!"
Alex said, "Who cheated you? How?"
Joseph replied, "My own parents! I asked them to send me money for books, and guess what did they send me........books!!"
``````````````````
It was Juan's 35th birthday and he was celebrating with friends. One of his friends, Pepe asked him, "You should get married now. Haven't you found a woman?"
Juan replied, "Well, over the years, I have brought many girlfriends home to meet my mom but she didn't like anyone."
Pepe said "That's an age old problem, but I know the solution. Get a girl who is just like your Mom."
Juan meets Pepe again after a couple of weeks and Pepe asks him, "Well how is it going? Did you find a girl your Mom would like?"
Juan replied without enthusiasm, "Ya I did. She is just like Mom. And Mom was all praises for her."
Pepe asked, "Then what's the trouble dude? Why the long face?"
Juan replied, "Dad doesn't like her."
```````````````````
Laurel: Who is this boy?
Hardy: He is my distant brother.
Laurel: What do you mean by that??!
Hardy: Well, there are seven other brothers between us.
```````````````````
When Alex was appointed the new in-charge of the mental hospital, he asked his subordinate to take him around the hospital premises for orientation.
In one of the corridors, Alex saw a man in torn clothes running towards him shouting, "Julia, Julia!!"
Alex asked the subordinate, "What is wrong with him?"
The subordinate replied, "This guy was in love with a girl called Julia but could not marry her. He was so disheartened that he lost his mind. He has been like this ever since."
When they were in another part of the hospital, Alex saw another disoriented man running haywire and screaming, "Julia! Julia!"
Alex looked at his subordinate questioningly and the subordinate quickly replied, "Well, he is the man who married Julia."
````````````````
Alex went to the salon and asked the owner, "Hey Max, how long would I have to wait for a haircut?"
Max looked at the customers waiting and replied, "About an hour". On hearing this, Alex left.
He returned next week and asked Max, "Hey, how long is the waiting time for a haircut?"
Max looked at the customers already waiting, and replied, "About an hour." Alex left.
The week after that, Alex came again and asked the same question, "Hey Max, how long would I have to wait for a haircut?"
Max replied, "An hour or so." Alex left quietly.
Max was intrigued and asked a friend in the shop, "Paul, do me a favour. Please follow that guy and see where he goes."
Paul returned in a while and could not stop laughing. Max asked, "Well this has to be funny. So where did he go??"
Paul replied, "He went to your house!!"
``````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Abba-dabba-DOOOOO it's the weekend!
Or, did we already do that?
No matter, I don't have that much going on anyway.
I guess yesterday was Sunday then. Well Sunday we had rain for at least 4 or 5 solid hours, and they got the same rain out at the old sod farm.
I don't know if I'll be going out there today, probably not, but withing the next few days I will for sure.
I expect I'll have to go in to Lowe's and submit to an interview, (if you can believe that), AND submit a drug test (even though I already told them I do drugs).
I guess they want to find out if I'm still as cantankerous as I was before so they can warn the new people.
If not sooner, then I expect to start, (re-start), by Saturday.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Will you be working really early again? You had some ungodly hours! 
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready.
