Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 04/13/17 03:19 AM
MARGOT BLACK
You can tell a lot about someone’s personality by how he orders coffee. “Decaf please, skim milk, no sugar.” That’s the kind of a guy who goes through the car wash wearing a seat belt.
`````````````````
There was a dinner party at the Smith residence. While all the guests were were involved in animated conversation, Mr. and Mrs. Smith's two little children, Billy and Ana, entered the dinning room stark naked and walked slowly around the table.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued with their conversations as if nothing strange was happening.
After making a complete round of the room, the two kids left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, when little Billy said to little Ana, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
`````````````````
Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.
In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with an amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, makes me pass gas."
```````````````
It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.
```````````````
William Jones joined the military but soon realized it's not going to be easy for him. He jumped every time he heard the phrase 'Fire at will'.
`````````````````
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.
"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess.
"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"
`````````````
Fred was down in the dumps. When his friend Justin asked him what was wrong, Fred replied, "This day has a lot of significance for me. It was on this day three years ago that I lost my dear wife and kids. . . .I'll never forget that game of poker..".
`````````````
My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.
For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"
This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!
```````````````
An Indian visitor, Rahul was stopped by customs at Sydney airport in Austrailia and asked if he had a criminal record.
Rahul replied sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't realize you still have to have one to get in!"
```````````````````
Lewis was tired of the city life and decided to take a sabbatical. He rented out a place in the remote countryside and moved in with his dog, wanting to enjoy the peace and the quiet. He would make fortnightly visits to the local grocery store for all that he needed for himself and his dog.
After four months of seclusion, he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he saw a funny-looking guy with a big mustache standing there. The guy said, "The name's Swen. I am your neighbor from six miles down the creek. I am having a party this weekend..thought you would like to join in."
"Sure," replied Lewis. "It's been long since I socialized with anyone, would love to meet the town folks. Thanks for the invitation."
Swen said, "Lemme warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem." said Lewis. "Guess I can handle that."
Swen warned, "And some fightin' too."
Lewis said, "I do manage to get along with people. No worries."
Swen was about to leave and then he turned again to say, "You can expect some wild love making too."
"I don't have a problem with that!" Lewis says. "I've been alone for a long time. I will certainly come. Thank you." Then adds, "By the way, what should I wear?"
Swen replies casually,"Anything you like. It's gonna be just the two of us, unless you want to bring your dog along."
`````````````````
Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.
Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.
Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.
````````````
Derrick was an airplane cleaner and he always had one desire - to fly an airplane himself. So, one morning he arrives at work early and while cleaning, finds a book in the cockpit titled "Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies Part 1".
He opens the book and starts reading, "First press the green button on right to start the engine."
He does that and the engine starts. He turns to Page 2 and it reads, "Press brown button to start airplane moving on runway."
He does that and the airplane starts moving ahead and catches speed. He goes to Page 3 and it reads, "Press the red button to take off the airplane in the air."
He does that and the airplane is flying. He starts turning the pilot's joystick and the airplane begins circling, going up and down and Derrick is having the time of his life! He then decides to land the airplane before anyone finds out what he has been up to.
He turns to the next page and finds the following printed in bold:
"To land the plane successfully go to the nearby book store and buy Part 2 of Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies."
```````````````
Joe was visiting the country with his father. His father owned a farm house with some cows in it.
Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.
His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"
Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's the day after yesterday.................again.....................and thank God for that!
It's always wonderful waking up another day............again.
I think I'll go sky diving today to celebrate. Who's with me?
No One? Well forget it then, I'm not going alone.
I don't really want to throw up on some poor unfortunate sole who happened to be passing by under me anyway.
Also I have better things to do today, like mowing my lawn......
Whatever ya got going on today, I hope it's more fun than mowing the lawn. Then I know you'll have a fantastic day, because mowing the lawn is the most fun I've ever had.
Really
ok
Well have a happy day anyway everyone.
joe
You can tell a lot about someone’s personality by how he orders coffee. “Decaf please, skim milk, no sugar.” That’s the kind of a guy who goes through the car wash wearing a seat belt.
`````````````````
There was a dinner party at the Smith residence. While all the guests were were involved in animated conversation, Mr. and Mrs. Smith's two little children, Billy and Ana, entered the dinning room stark naked and walked slowly around the table.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued with their conversations as if nothing strange was happening.
After making a complete round of the room, the two kids left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, when little Billy said to little Ana, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
`````````````````
Dennis is a rich playboy who often dates beautiful women. At a party, he meets a good looking brunette and soon they are lost in conversation. He takes her to his majestic bungalow and he soon finds out that she hails from a good family, is well groomed and is quite intelligent.
In order to impress her, Dennis shows off his collection of expensive paintings and sculptures, and offers her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Red or White wine and she answered,
"Oh, White wine by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with an amazing sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the dazzling liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Red wine, on the other hand, makes me pass gas."
```````````````
It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.
```````````````
William Jones joined the military but soon realized it's not going to be easy for him. He jumped every time he heard the phrase 'Fire at will'.
`````````````````
An Indian Airlines air-hostess was called into the office of Chief Trainer for a severe reprimand.
"Miss Dixit, I have been informed about the happenings on your maiden flight", said the furious trainer, glaring at the air-hostess.
"From now on, please remember - if a passenger feels faint, you need to push his head down between his own legs!"
`````````````
Fred was down in the dumps. When his friend Justin asked him what was wrong, Fred replied, "This day has a lot of significance for me. It was on this day three years ago that I lost my dear wife and kids. . . .I'll never forget that game of poker..".
`````````````
My friend, Zane is a philosopher. I have always thought philosophers like Zane truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, people like Zane are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for centuries. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress.
For example, Zane asked me the other day, "If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound?"
This question has been posed by philosophers since ages, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be.
But when a scientist is asked the same question, he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"!
```````````````
An Indian visitor, Rahul was stopped by customs at Sydney airport in Austrailia and asked if he had a criminal record.
Rahul replied sarcastically, "Oh, I didn't realize you still have to have one to get in!"
```````````````````
Lewis was tired of the city life and decided to take a sabbatical. He rented out a place in the remote countryside and moved in with his dog, wanting to enjoy the peace and the quiet. He would make fortnightly visits to the local grocery store for all that he needed for himself and his dog.
After four months of seclusion, he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he saw a funny-looking guy with a big mustache standing there. The guy said, "The name's Swen. I am your neighbor from six miles down the creek. I am having a party this weekend..thought you would like to join in."
"Sure," replied Lewis. "It's been long since I socialized with anyone, would love to meet the town folks. Thanks for the invitation."
Swen said, "Lemme warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem." said Lewis. "Guess I can handle that."
Swen warned, "And some fightin' too."
Lewis said, "I do manage to get along with people. No worries."
Swen was about to leave and then he turned again to say, "You can expect some wild love making too."
"I don't have a problem with that!" Lewis says. "I've been alone for a long time. I will certainly come. Thank you." Then adds, "By the way, what should I wear?"
Swen replies casually,"Anything you like. It's gonna be just the two of us, unless you want to bring your dog along."
`````````````````
Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.
Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.
Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.
````````````
Derrick was an airplane cleaner and he always had one desire - to fly an airplane himself. So, one morning he arrives at work early and while cleaning, finds a book in the cockpit titled "Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies Part 1".
He opens the book and starts reading, "First press the green button on right to start the engine."
He does that and the engine starts. He turns to Page 2 and it reads, "Press brown button to start airplane moving on runway."
He does that and the airplane starts moving ahead and catches speed. He goes to Page 3 and it reads, "Press the red button to take off the airplane in the air."
He does that and the airplane is flying. He starts turning the pilot's joystick and the airplane begins circling, going up and down and Derrick is having the time of his life! He then decides to land the airplane before anyone finds out what he has been up to.
He turns to the next page and finds the following printed in bold:
"To land the plane successfully go to the nearby book store and buy Part 2 of Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies."
```````````````
Joe was visiting the country with his father. His father owned a farm house with some cows in it.
Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.
His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"
Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."
`````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
It's the day after yesterday.................again.....................and thank God for that!
It's always wonderful waking up another day............again.
I think I'll go sky diving today to celebrate. Who's with me?
No One? Well forget it then, I'm not going alone.
I don't really want to throw up on some poor unfortunate sole who happened to be passing by under me anyway.
Also I have better things to do today, like mowing my lawn......
Whatever ya got going on today, I hope it's more fun than mowing the lawn. Then I know you'll have a fantastic day, because mowing the lawn is the most fun I've ever had.
Really
ok
Well have a happy day anyway everyone.
joe
I'll go skydiving with you! It's peaceful up there. 
I face-planted last time. Not really sure I am up for the landing again but I do love the flying part!
Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready! 
